I'm Game For That
by Some Moron
Summary: We have parodies of the book series and spoofs of the movies. You know what we're missing? There's a severe shortage of satires of the Harry Potter computer game series. Time to change that! Brought to you by the author of Hogwarts Reads My Immortal. Full of obscure references!
1. The Arrival

**This parody is inspired by the "Yet Another Harry Potter Movie Parody" series by iheartmwpp, as well as my combination of love and distaste for the computer game series based on HP. If you like this story, I highly recommend you check out her work!**

**Speaking of other people being awesome, if you like making fun of early Harry Potter games, you will _love_ the Let's Play parody series of the first game by Youtube user TheSilverKetchup. Check it out – I subscribe and don't regret it in the slightest. **

**I do not own Harry Potter; JKR does. I do not own the game series; EA does. Many other things will be referenced in this fic. I don't own them either. Internetz will be awarded to those who can identify the references.**

**Misspellings of "Hagrid," "Dumbledore," etc. are intentional. Read _My Immortal_. Better yet, read _about_ it. Actual exposure drains sanity.)**

Menu Music: *Is epic. Why they replaced it starting with the very next game, I will never know*

Intro Cutscene: *Is a story book in sepia tone. With seams down the middle; these games HATE my video card.*

Narrator with Stuffed Nose: I quote the first line of _Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone_ verbatim, minus the part about "all over the country." Further similarities to canon are purely accidental.

Player: I saw this already. _(Presses ENTER key 1,337 times; cutscene does not skip)_

Narrator: As unsuspecting Muggles slept, a huge bathtub with wheels and a big guy astride it tumbled down from the darkness.

_(Motorbike "tumbles" down. Does that not mean it fell and bounced around before coming to a stop? Wake up the neighborhood!)_

Hargrid: It's time for me to live up to my family name and face full life consequences!

Narrator: The giant, named Hagrid, left a blanket-wrapped bundle on the doorstep of number four Privet Drive. Nestled in the bundle was a baby. Ebony Dar- uh, Harry Potter. The Boy Who Lived. For the next eleven years, Harry lived with his dreadful step-parents, the Dursleys. Until that fateful day when he received a letter inviting him to attend _Hogwarts in England_. Uh, Scotland. Whatever.

Harry: *opens his letter right there in the Dursleys' house, to judge by the drawing*

Narrator: Hagrid took Harry to Diagon Alley to purchase a most unusual list of school supplies...

Some Moron: I love how the next paragraph is really long, so they made the text really small to cram the whole thing onto one slide. And, lo and behold, the narrator reads it in a low voice, like he's … well, reading the fine print!

Narrator: I should remind you that the Sorcerer's MacGuffin is mentioned at this point. So it IS a secret, and it makes sense to read it in a low voice.

Some Moron: The first sentence is not a secret. Case closed.

Narrator: Soon after, Harry got on the train. How he "left the Muggle world far behind" is not really certain – I mean, he didn't go into _space_.

Space Core: SPAAAAAACE!

Narrator: So anyway. Dumbledore stood up.

Dumblydore: WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHER- never mind. This term, the corridor on the third floor is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to suffer a most painful death.

Harry: Are there more... dead men there?

_(The introduction makes **no** mention of what any of this stuff is. Seriously... some time, go play the game, listen to the intro, close your eyes, and pretend you've never read the book. Try and make head or tail of what's going on.)_

Narrator: Harry sat beneath the Sorting Hat hoping that he would not be chosen for Slytherin House over Gryffindor. "Not Slytherin, eh?" said the hat in his ear. "Well, even though you're a major character, you don't seem to be goffic... so better be... GRYFFINDOR!"

"**Hogwarts Main Entrance. Attend Defense Against the Dark Arts with Professor Quirrel, located on the third floor. Find 1 secret Wizard Card."**

_(Everybody is supposed to attend the beginning feast, right? What do those two students at the top of the stairs think they're doing?)_

Entire student body of Hogwarts, totaling 13 plus Harry: *runs out of Great Hall*

Harry: *looks around*

Suit of armor: *looks around*

_(Dumblydore descends the staircase. Ignoring the other 13 kids in his school, he approaches Harry and personally addresses him)_

Dumbledork: Welcome to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I am Albus Dumbledore, your headmaster. Apparently, I did not introduce myself in the Great Hall when everybody was listening, or maybe I didn't think you were paying attention. Oh, notice that my mouth does not move when I talk. Pathetic when you consider that this game came out a month after _Halo_.

Harry: I'm just going to stare at your beard, k?

Dumbledoree: Now, Hogwarts is full of secrets, Harry, so search behind every door BUT... keep in mind... not all secrets are rewarding. Only this morning, I took a wrong turn and stumbled upon a room full of Chocolate Frogs.

Harry: Cool, but why is that not rewarding?

Dumbledum: Shush. They turned into Fire Crabs, obviously. _(Voice changes to one much more labored)_ Now, up the stairs and off to your lessons. I need to go; I'm having a heart attack and my Alzheimer's is dangerous!

Epic music: *is epic. They remixed it in game 3. Meh. The original is so much cooler.*

_(Harry walks upstairs and sees Ron, a.k.a. Diabolo, who apparently did not attend the feast.)_

Ron: Hey Harry! Remember me, Ron Weasley? I assume your memory span is like five minutes, because we just met on the train and I'm currently the only person you even _know_. My brothers Fred and George – who didn't attend the feast either – have something to show you even though they haven't met you yet. Follow me! *runs ahead and around the corner – then shows himself again* Follow me, Harry!

Harry: Dude, I know!

_(Harry jogs in place on his way down the hall)_

Fred: Hello Harry. We can show you how to get around Hogwarts.

George: As a first year, you have a lot to learn. Also, notice how only the person who's talking actually moves, since our faces can't animate. Kinda like Red vs. Blue!

Fred: You ever wonder why we're here?

George: It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it? Anyhooz, follow us for a secret lesson.

Ron: See ya, bye.

Harry: *follows the twins through a trap door that turns into a different trap door leading into a different area in the next game*

Fred and George's theme song: *is awesome, and it sucks that they dropped this song after the first game*

Some Moron: The game data files call it Crabbe and Goyle's theme. But it plays in this part with Fred and George. _My Immortal_ also gets these two pairs of people mixed up. Connection?

Fred: We're going to teach you how to climb.

George: Run to the bookcase and don't stop. You'll _block_... the _bookcase_... _with your BODY!_

_(Harry smashes headlong into the bookcase. He puts his hands up and levitates six inches into the air so he can grab the top surface.)_

Jelly bean: *Shhhwow!* _(They left this classic sound effect in the later games on the console versions, why did they change it for the PC versions?)_

Some Moron: This is how item collection is actually supposed to work. Compare with the third game, where you collect obscene numbers of beans at once.

Peeves: HahahaHAAAA!

Fred: Well done. Now let's try jumping. Also try to ignore the ghost dude. Run to the ledge, and press the JUMP BUTTON.

George: We're entirely serious. We tell you to press the jump button to jump.

Fred: No fair using super-jump cheats. We'll take the "shortcut." We're going the long way around, but we somehow reach the other end before you.

George: Sorry, Harry, we can't give you our portal gun just yet.

_(By the way, the "shortcut" is completely NOT a shortcut. The path takes you to the floor below. There's no other way to get to the end ledge.)_

Peeves: Oi, it's Potty-Wee-Potter!

Harry: Aagh! I took DAMAGE from that! During a scripted scene! UNFAIR!

Fred: That's Peeves the poltergeist. He's always causing trouble.

George: Peeves doesn't like first years. I'd watch my step if I were you. _(Trips and falls down the stairs)_

Peeves: *Random quotes that I can barely hear and that are not included in the subtitles*

George: You're getting the hang of this!

Fred: In Hogwarts, you'll find all sorts of wicked treats. Why am I telling you how to pick one up, since you've been doing it for the last five minutes?

George: Chocolate frogs boost your energy.

Harry: No they don't. They replenish lost health. "Boosting your energy" means making you more powerful.

George: Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans are fun to collect. Downside is, they're absolutely useless, unless you want to see the poorly-animated Legendary ending.

Fred: So yeah, we're collecting them too. For some, ahem, experiments. We sure not going to _eat_ them – you picked them up off the floor!

George: Yeah, but Five Second Rule. We need 25 beans, Harry. Come back when you've got them all. We're holding you hostage until you do!

Harry: *climbing* Huhp! Hugh-oof!

Fred: Wow. You are apparently really out of shape. Anyhooz, here's a wizard card.

Harry: *Sinks into the floor, defies gravity, and asplodes the card*

George: There you go. Now kindly GTFO, and good luck!

_(Harry HUGH-OOFS up to the secret entrance above the bookcase and meets up with his rival – Gary Oak... er, Malfoy.)_

Malfoy: Well, well, well. If it isn't the famous Harry Potter.

Harry: It isn't.

Hermione: I'm watching from a nearby doorway, and I don't care.

Malfoy: I'm Draco Malfoy, and you'd do well to show me respect.

Harry: Dude, you're supposed to be nice to me at first, until you find out I'm chummy with the Gryffindors.

Malfoy: I don't care! I'm gonna act like a bully from the get-go! So show me some respect!

Harry: You know what? I will! I'm gonna love and tolerate the s—t out of you!

Malfoy: My voice just jumped a full octave. Also, this is Crabbe and Goyle. Or maybe Fred and George. Tara Gilesbie really confused me. Naturally, we Slytherins are going to win the House Cup and the Quidditch Cup.

Harry: Dafuq are those? The game did not introduce me to either one.

Malfoy: You'd better stay out of our way, Potter! And you'd better love my theme song! *Runs off with his henchmen*

Hermione: Hello, Harry. I'm suddenly a ginger kid. I'm also completely sweet to you, which is OOC until I get trolled.

Harry: Oh, hello. I'm stupid, so could you show me where the classroom is?

Hermione: It's right through this door. You can see it from where you're standing, you ridiculous dimwit.

_(They all walk into the classroom near their desks, and don't sit down.)_

Quirrel: I am P-Professor Q-Q-Quirrrel! Today, we're g-going to learn to p-p-protect ourselves against D-Dark Magic with the Flipendo spell. Harry P-Potter, please step up h-here, s-since we m-make you d-d-do everything in this v-v-video game.

Peeves: I AM STILL CACKLING!

_(Harry walks up the front of the class)_

Quirrel: Watch my wand.

Harry: That's what she said.

Quirrel: Then, h-hold d-down the mouse b-b-button and repeat the p-p-pattern. Release the b-b-button when you're d-d-d-d—done.

_(Harry tries to recreate the pattern. When he's done, Quirrel starts slowly shaking his head no.)_

Quirrel: Rather d-disappointing, b-but at least you t-t-tried.

_(Harry tries to recreate the pattern and epic fails)_

Quirrel: What shape was that, Mr. P-P-Potter?

IdleSwineProductions: *drags the mouse cursor violently across the whole screen* Take that, you STUPID game!

Quirrel: That's not the shape I expected, Mr. P-P-Potter.

_(Harry tries to recreate the pattern. If you ever need to torture yourself, play this part of the game with a laptop trackpad.)_

Quirrel: Son, you failed again, you fahking disgrace!

Harry: But Dad!

Quirrel: I don't caaaaare! Now go complete a challenge that's completely irrelevant to the plot of this story!

Harry: Should I be worried about the fact that I'm going to be alone with a guy possessed by Voldemort?

**Enjoyed it so far? Don't know how frequent the updates will be for this one, but if y'all like it, I'll try and keep it fairly regular. And I'll also try and reduce the raw complaining about the game for later chapters as well. Bai!**


	2. How Do You Spell Challenge?

**#include "stddisclaimer.h"**

_(The Flipendo Challenge begins, accompanied by another good song they dropped with game two.)_

Quirrel: Hold d-down the mouse b-button to aim the Flipendo spell.

Harry: What on earth is a mouse button?

Quirrel: You d-don't need to know about that. I'm t-talking about the p-p-person who's controlling you through their computer.

Harry: *_Looks behind himself, straight at the camera and into your soul_* How is that possible? And what do you mean, controlling me with their computer? Are they using a command line? Because this is 1991.

Quirrel: As I was s-s-saying, move the mouse to aim the spell. LOL. Good luck with that. The aiming system was programmed by clowns.

Some Moron: In an attempt to live a life of acceptance and tolerance, I have decided not to complain about anything if I couldn't do a better job myself. And, having programmed multiple camera tracking scripts, I think I have a genuine license to say that the camera movement in this game is utter crap.

Quirrel: Release the b-button to cast the spell. Try it on that b-b-b-b-b-barrel.

Harry: FliiiIIII-PENdoooooo!

_(Barrel goes sailing down the hallway)_

Harry: Wouldn't it be a bit harmful on that carpet to have that barrel rolling across it all the time?

_(Barrel comes to a full stop with a bang as if it hit something)_

Harry: Flipendo!

_(Barrel gets pushed on its way again and reveals that it hit absolutely NOTHING)_

Quirrel: Now, c-cast your Flipendo spell at the switch on the wall to open the d-door.

Harry: Dare I ask if this is a canon spell? It's never mentioned in the books or movies.

Quirrel: Yes, believe it or not, HarryPotter-dot-Wikia-dot-com gives multiple sources claiming it as canon. You will say it constantly throughout this year and the next. Then in year three, we will rob it from you and replace it with a noncanon application of the Banishing Charm, Depulso. And somehow, you will miss it. And you will cry yourself to sleep at night, pining away for your old friend, the Knockback Jinx. Now go cast it on stuff.

Harry: Niiiin-tendo!

Quirrel: No, that's a company that makes consoles and games.

Harry: Sure sounds like Flipendo though. *_Spell hits the center of the switch, and it turns around on its axis, which is... right in the center_* PHYSICS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!

Quirrel: Flipendo affects all sorts of things –

Harry: Like setting early console standards, plus they brought us Pokemon.

Quirrel: No, that's Nintendo, and technically Game Freak made Pokemon. Flipendo, the spell, can affect stuff like this cauldron. I sound rather sinister when I tell you to KNOCK IT OVER, Mr. P-P-Potter.

Harry: Are you the mysterious Professor Sinister that Ebony Way talked about? *Knocks over the cauldron and, surprise surprise, jelly beans pop out of it*

Quirrel: Good, now go collect useless Challenge Stars.

Harry: *_jumps off six foot ledge_* WAAAAAAA- oof. This drop is a lot farther than it looks.

_(Incidentally, I like this music too. And incidentally, they dropped this song with the next game too.)_

Nearly Headless Nick: Hello, Harry Potter. This is a Save Game book, and you can use it to save the exact state of the universe, so you can basically go back in time should you suffer a gruesome death. Or "faint," as we call it – kind of an inside joke, you see.

Harry: It's nice to know that everything in the castle is going to try to murder me.

Nick: Also, notice that you can see my cape through my body and stuff. So nice to know the developers didn't care about graphics programming.

Harry: Give them a break, this was back in 2001 – they probably didn't even have the technology to do that stuff yet.

Nick: *_cough_* Cortana. *_cough_* You know what I just realized about my voice in this game? It has kind of a reverse echo effect. Like in flashbacks in Amnesia: The Dark Descent.

Harry: AAAAHHH! *_runs away, and Nick chases him with a high-pitched screeching noise*_

_("Your game will restart from this Save Game Book." My first computer would hang on this screen for easily half a minute. My current one dismisses it after about a quarter of a second. Dual processors FTW)_

Quirrel: C-cast your Flipendo spell on this b-b-block... to knock it out of the way.

Harry: Dude, you aren't even _trying_ to sound nervous now. You're just repeating certain syllables because the piece of paper you're reading from is telling you to do so.

Quirrel: Sh-sh-shut up.

Harry: Hey, a window overlooking a bottomless – DAFUQ IS THAT PURPLE STUFF.

Some Moron: Seriously, what is up with those purplish bubbles swarming around most of the bottomless pits in the first game?

GLaDOS: Failure to cross the gaps between these pillars will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your test report, followed by death.

Harry: Okay, this part isn't too bad... FLIPENDO! *_block of stone slowly crosses the pit, back and forth_* Just some platforming, I can handle this.

Creepy music: *_starts_*

Harry: Mommy!

Creepy laughter: *_laughs_*

Harry: What even is that thing?

_(Who else was apprehensive about this part of the map when they played it at an early age?)_

Quirrel: Okay, let's see... you got through the pits of poison gas, how else can I kill you?

Harry: Fridge brilliance! Of course he'll send me through a deadly course – he's part Voldemort! He _wants_ me to die!

Quirrel: Yah, but all the other teachers send you through death traps too. Maybe it's a conspiracy. We ALL wanna kill you! By the way, here are some ugly babies, or headcrabs, or Flood infection forms... whatever, these are the tiny, annoying enemies that appear in every significant video game ever.

Harry: I like their theme music – OW! They just took several of the beans I've been meticulously collecting!

Quirrel: Too bad, they're Lost Forever now.

Harry: Dangit. At least they're more-or-less useless in this game.

Quirrel: Yup, but just wait until Chamber of Secrets. Suddenly they become valuable currency!

Harry: I'll pretend that makes any sense at all.

Some Moron: Incidentally, I gave this game a play-through a couple years ago and finally found the secret to taking out gnomes quickly. Look in their general direction, then press and release the mouse button quickly. Then instead of using the BS targeting system, the spell just auto-targets to the nearest significant object.

Gnome 1: Sigh! My life is so tragic!

Gnome 2: I know right? I'm deprezzed.

GNOME 3: I come packaged with the latest versions of Fedora and Ubuntu.

Harry: Nobody will get that joke.

Quirrel: C-congratulations, Mr. Potter! You've completed the Challenge! Because you've collected all the Challenge Stars, you can have some free House Points, even though the one scripted ending renders them completely useless. I seem very quick to award points to Gryffindor, considering I'm being possessed by the Heir of Slytherin. Now GTFO and go to broomstick practice.

Harry: Dear Princess Celestia, Today I learned that even people who have evil wizards built into the backs of their heads can still be good teachers. And you should never judge someone with an obviously fake speech impediment until you truly know them! Your faithful student, Harry Potter.


	3. I Believe I Can Fly

**#include "stddisclaimer.h"**

**Oh, and thanks to those who have reviewed for your interest in the story! Glad you've enjoyed it so far. New updates on random days. Boy, that tells you so much.**

_**(Previously on I'm Game For That)**_

Quirrel: C-congratulations, Mr. Potter! You've completed the Challenge! Stuff about house points and crap. Now GTFO and go to broomstick practice.

Harry: Dear Princess Celestia, Today I added a hidden reference to _My Little Pony_ in this fic.

_**(And so it continues.)**_

Narrator: Broomstick practice? Hah. Looks like we planned out the levels and arranged them in the wrong order, because evidently, Harry, Ron, and Hermione cut classes and headed for the common room instead! There was much talk about the break-in at Gringotts' Wizard Bank-

Player: Wait, what? When did that ever happen? This is the first you've told me about that significant plot point!

Narrator: STFU. The designers of this game assume you know _Sorcerer's Stone _backwards and forwards. Yet they also assume you don't know the first thing about PC gaming. Oh yeah, the flying lesson.

_(Harry runs past Madam Hooch, then stops and turns to face her)_

Madam Hooch: Nope, you can't escape just yet. I'm going to make you jump through hoops for me before that ever happens. Instead of a string of double entendres – which were hilarious in an unnecessary-censorship video of the first movie – I'm just going to tell you to control your broom with the direction keys. The Speed Up and Slow Down keys adjust your flight speed.

Master Chief: I prefer to steer with the right analog stick, accelerate with the left, and boost with the left trigger.

Madam Hooch: Ready, Potter? Incidentally, every time Some Moron tries to type Potter, LibreOffice tries to auto-complete it with Potty-Wee-Potter. Guess it doesn't want to ever forget the first chapter. On my whistle, then.

_(Harry starts flying through rings)_

Some Moron: For added mental torture, try playing this level on a computer from early 2000 with an onboard video chip.

Madam Hooch: And a laptop trackpad.

_(Harry finishes the big rings)_

Harry: *_Finishes the big rings, finds a secret area behind a giant shiny window_* Hey, how about that!

Hooch: Let's try smaller rings, you're doing too well.

Harry: Pfft, no problem.

Hooch: How about these rings? They're 20 percent smaller than the first ones!

Hooch: Rings that move up and down by about a foot. That should test your skill!

Harry: Pfft, no problem.

Hooch: Rings of fire!

Harry: Pfft, no problem.

Hooch: Rings that spawn demon girls out of your TV!

Harry: Pfft, no problem.

Hooch: Rings that fire an energy pulse designed to wipe out all sentient life!

Harry: Pfft, no problem.

Hooch: Wedding rings!

Harry: AAAAHHH!

Hooch: Good, you completed the lesson and stuff. Also, congratulations on being the first student to find the secret room since _**1867**_.

Harry: *_Gags on the ancient beans he ate in the secret room_* What? Are you seriously telling me that nobody has ever found that very simple entrance in over 120 years?

Hooch: Beats me, it's been 124 years of mediocre dunces, I guess. Now go have your Charms lesson.

Other students: We have not moved an inch since the lesson began.

Harry: *_Warps to inside the castle somewhere_* Hmm, Charms lesson, huh? I sure hope that won't suck at all. *Starts defacing armor statues to gain candy, and bumps into another student*

Other student: Have you met Hagrid? He's so large, I can scarcely see the top of his head!

Harry: Actually, most students our size cannot see the top of any adult's head from a normal standpoint. Also yah, I met him. He totally took me on a motorcycle ride.

Hermione: You're early for the lesson, Harry, but once again I will be completely sweet and offer to teach you a spell I've learned on my own.

Harry: Good, it sure couldn't be any worse than regular spell lessons in this game.

Hermione: The spell I learned is Alohomora. It can open magically locked things, but don't get into any mischief!

Some Moron: Here's a loaded assault rifle and a bunch of targets. But don't shoot anything!

Hermione: This is the symbol. Trace it with your mouse.

Harry: FFFFFFUUUUUU- *_is forced to do it_*

Hermione: That's excellent, Harry! Great, Harry! I'm sure Professor Flitwick would give you five House points for that charm!

_(Five house points are automatically awarded to Gryffindor)_

Harry: Buh- wha- WHAT? This is unlogical and does not make any sense! Since when can a first-year student award points to her own House?

Hermione: Since house points became useless, considering that Slytherin's points always grow faster than those of Gryffindor, followed by Ravenclaw and then Hufflepuff dead last. I would guess that the game designers think little of Hufflepuffs.

Harry: Bet they make good vampire food, though.

Hermione: Anyhooz, that door in front of you is magically locked. Cast Alohomora to open it.

Harry: So, wait. The door is locked... and to change that, I use an ability partially powered by thought...

Hermione: Uh-huh?

Harry: In other words, you unlock this door with the key of imagination! *_Unlocks door. Beyond it is another dimension. A dimension of sound. A dimension of sight. A dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, okay I'll stop now_*

Hermione: You've got it! Now, can you find the two secrets in this room?

TheSilverKetchup: Uh, secrets? Well, unless _you_'re a secret, there are only two objects in this room! So I'm guessing... *_FLIPENDO!_* Wow, I was right! Yeah, those are great secrets.

_(Harry opens the bookcase, the only other possible secret, and steps into the room behind it and looks at a mirror)_

Hermione: *_also looking into mirror_* If you're done admiring yourself, Harry, take a look at that magical chest.

Harry: *_looking at Hermione_* Yes, that magical chest looks pretty good!

Hermione: *_slaps him in the face_*

Harry: Oh. Magically-locked treasure chest.

Mirror: I AM TOTALLY A SECRET DOOR.

Hermione: See this door that just opened by itself, and everybody is walking through it? Believe it or not, that's the way you're supposed to go next. Because that's where Charms is located. And that's your actual objective for this level.

Harry: I GET THE HINT!

Flitwick: Hai guyz. I am Professor Flitwick and I'm going to teach you how to make stuff fly and stuff. Without the comic relief of Seamus turning a feather into an incendiary grenade.

Harry: Are you going to make me trace another symbol?

Flitwick: Yes and no! Being the only decent character in the game, even putting effort into voice acting, I'm going to make it look like the entire class is practicing the spell! But yes, you have to trace another symbol.

Harry: So everybody's going to go through the challenge, too?

Flitwick: Actually, no. And actually, I guess you're the only one tracing a symbol, since I address you directly. Also actually, time for you to go through the challenge.

Harry: Here we go again...


	4. The Aperture Sponsored Challenge

**#include "stddisclaimer.h"**

_**(Previously on I'm Game For That)**_

Flitwick: Hai guyz. I am Professor Flitwick and I'm going to teach you how to make stuff fly and stuff.

Harry: Are you going to make me trace another symbol?

Flitwick: Yes and no! Now go through another challenge and stuff.

Harry: Here we go again...

_**(And so it continues...)**_

Flitwick: Cast Wingardium Leviosa on that statue. That's right, instead of having you test out the spell on a feather, I'm going to make you try it out on a GIANT STONE STATUE.

Latios381: By the way, if you remove the "F" in Flitwick, it becomes Litwick, which is a

Pokemon. Wonderful, huh?

Harry: Waaaait a minute. I'm picking up a giant cube and setting it on a pressure plate, causing a door to open. What does that sound like?

GLaDOS: The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak. If the Weighted Companion Cube does speak, the Enrichment Center urges you to disregard its advice.

Flitwick: Good, now go collect the useless Challenge Stars. I will not be helping you, so you will be left alone in this test chamber, alone, unprotected from dangerous creatures and architecture.

Harry: You're such a great teacher.

Flitwick: IKR.

**Wild GNOMES appear!**

Gnomes: HAI!

Harry: BAI! *_Flips their endo_*

**HARRY used Flipendo!**

**It's super effective!**

**GNOME fainted!**

**HARRY gained 23 exp. points!**

Suits of armor: Welcome to the Room of the Double Cube Statues. Remember this place?

Gnomes: We are hiding behind Flipendo statues!

Some Moron: I'm curious, was anybody else who played this at an early age scared of gnomes, and this room in particular? I was such a complete wimp, I flat-out refused to knock the statues aside because I didn't want to face the gnomes.

Harry: This from the guy who beat Amnesia twice.

Gnomes: We're gonna steal your beans and cause you bodily harm! CHAAAARGE!

Harry: Nope-dot-AVI.

Some Moron: I'm not allowed to use a real dot for that. I officially hate FFnet's auto-formatting and its attempts to remove "URLs."

Gnomes: *_Fall down and groan constantly until the next room_*

Harry: Fridge Horror time! The gnomes groan endlessly after you knock them on their backs. When has anyone merely groggy done that? Are they in pain? Are you torturing them by casting this spell on them?

Suit of armor: You are reading way too much into that. _*cough*_ bad game design _*cough*_

Harry: There, now I can access the pressure plates with the Companion Cubes. Hey, what happens if I drop one on my head?

Cube:

Harry: Yes?

Cube:

Harry: Oh. You can't speak. *_Drops 150-200 pound statue on his head to see what happens, and it bounces off harmlessly_* ...really?

_(It's possible to use that bounce to glitch the cube through the iron gate so you never have to access the Flipendo tiles. If only I knew that back when I feared the gnomes!)_

Harry: *_Puts the first cube on the pressure pad_*

Cutscene: You are a deaf and blind idiot, so listen up. ONE OF THE DOORS OUT OF THIS ROOM JUST OPENED.

Harry: Thank you, I would never have known. *_Puts the other cube on the other plate_*

Cutscene: THE OTHER DOOR JUST OPENED AND YOU CAN NOW GET OUT OF THE ROOM. ALSO, CHALLENGE STAR ON THE OTHER SIDE. GO GET IT.

_(Incidentally, has anyone ever managed to glitch a Wingardium Leviosa cube into a wall or something, making it inaccessible and rendering the game unwinnable unless you load a save? I thought I remember doing that once.)_

Fire Seeds Music: *_Is pretty, and they actually left this one in the game files, at least up through the __third one... don't recall if it actually plays in those games though_*

Glitched Harry in the reference video I use for this fic: Wingardiu Wingardi osa Wing Levioardium Leviardi osa Wingosa Wingiosa Wingardiu Wing Levium Wingiosa Levioardium osa Leviwingardium Leviosa!

Cube: OH GOD MAKE IT STOP.

Harry: Hmm, a platform I can't reach. Must be another puzzle around here... *_jumps a moving platform_* Aha! There's one. Wing-I'm-sick-of-writing-this!

Camera: Bird's-eye-view! How many things are wrong with the design of this level? Count them. The outside level border is a short square stone wall. Outside of that border is a void of cloudy blue sky. No backdrop, no scenery. The inside of the border is a void of total blackness. Even in bright outdoor lighting.

Harry: Actually, Fridge Brilliance. So the outside of that border is nothing but cloudy blue sky? Maybe the castle is in the clouds, on a sky island like in Terraria. Maybe I really DID leave the Muggle world far behind. Also, switch tile. FLIIIII-PENDuh-

Camera: I don't care what you have to say! I have a moving platform to show you!

Birds: We are unimpressed.

Harry: All this work for a Challenge Star. What's even the point?

GLaDOS: The satisfaction of attaining 100% completion. And cake.

Flitwick: That's a wrap! You got all the stars soooo 20 points for Gryffindor! Now you're not quite as far behind Slytherin. Now off you go! *_Walks off the table and proves that gravity is not very strong by falling incredibly slowly_*

Harry: One last secret area! You know, I just noticed that I haven't seen a loading screen in ages.

Loading screen: HAI!

Letter from Hermione: Harry, don't be late for the Herbology lesson. They're always threatening to poison the students who fail to arrive on time. So get over here, like now. Your faithful student, Hermione.

Harry: No problem!

Chocolate frog: I have yellow blobs and smoke coming off me. You will learn to dread my kind.

_(Anyone else think Peeves's face looks a bit like the troll-face meme?)_

Peeves: Problem, Potty-Wee-Potter?

Harry: Again, unfair damage taken during a scripted scene!

Some Moron: Another level I utterly failed at as a kid. Tried it more recently and kicked assets, after I figured out that the ideal controls for the boss fight are hard-coded to the arrow keys even if you redefine movement to the WASD keys.

Peeves: I'm Peeves, Potter, and you'd better watch out for me!

Harry: You reminded me of that twice now by, oh I don't know, kicking my face in!

Peeves: If you look in the middle, you surely will crack!

Harry: Dafuq?

Peeves: No subtitles, crappy voice acting, bad recording. Your guess is as good as mine what I actually said there.

Harry: Silent Flipendo!

Peeves: Bah, I don't like having a spell cast at me three times. I'm gonna leave now, still cackling.

Harry: ...I didn't kill you? Injure you? This boss fight makes no sense!

Chocolate Frog: You can safely eat me now.

Harry: Thanks. *_om nom nom_*

Fred and George's Theme Song: Remember me? I'm still awesome.

Fred and George: HAI!

George: Do you have 25 beans for us?

Fred: We need the beans for some, _*ahem*..._ experiments.

Harry: What kind of, _*ahem*..._ experiments?

George: If we told you, we'd have to kill you.

Harry: What if I don't have 25 beans?

Fred: Then you are hopelessly pathetic. I have my doubts it's even possible to get this far in the game without at least 25 beans.

Harry: K, here are the beans. See ya. Don't kill too many civilians.

Owl: I know this is Hogwarts and all, but doesn't it seem mildly strange that I'm just randomly flying through a hallway?

Letter from Hermione: Harry, if you're late for Herbology, Gryffindor can lose House points! I must be really impatient, because you've been straight on your way there since my last letter. I seem to be confusing owl mail with SMS.

Neville: Hello, Harry. I'm Neville Longbottom. Note how formally and assertively I address you. I must not be shy at all.

Harry: Well, you do commit epic acts of badassery later in the series.

Neville: Anyhooz, this is my Remembrall. It tells you if you're foreshadowing something that will occur a couple levels from now.

Harry: Actually, it doesn't "tell" you anything, other than turning red if you forget something.

Neville: Don't question the game designers! It's also telling me we have Herbology soon.

Harry: FOR THE LOVE OF PRINCESS CELESTIA, I FREAKING KNOW!

Neville: K. Also, watch out for Draco Malfoy. I saw him preparing for your next boss fight.

Harry: Gotcha.

Letter from Hermione: One last thing. A shadow is following you. It's a living nightmare, breaking down reality. I have tried everything and there is no way to fight back. You need to escape it as long as you can.

Harry: I know my shadow doesn't look very good on modern graphics cards sometimes, but I'd say that's taking it a bit far. Hey, a suspicious mirror. ALOHOMORA!

Mirror: I am a secret area!

Harry: Yay, platforming.

Door: I am locked.

Harry: Explain to me for a moment why you need a locked door inside an already secret chamber.

Beans: We are all blue.

Harry: Well, that was fun. Now to go to Herbology. Oh, hi.

Random kid: There's supposed to be a secret room around here – and I'm gonna be the first to find it.

Harry: LOL nope.

Second random kid: There's supposed to be a secret room around here – and I'm gonna be the first to find it.

Harry: Beat you both to it.

Third random kid: I used to be a wizard like you, but then I took a Crucio in the knee.

Harry: FALCON PAWNCH! _(knocks him into the next level) _Ahh. Finally, the exit. Finally, I can go to the class that everybody keeps telling me to go to! Finally, some peace!

Malfoy: NOPE.


	5. Greenhouse Security Checkpoint

**#include "stddisclaimer.h"**

**Thank you to everybody who's reviewed! Thought I'd give you a personal author's note since this fic has been fairly impersonal so far. Looks like everybody pretty much agrees with my comments about this game's quirks. I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed them!**

**Also, prepare to be bombarded by My Little Pony references.**

_**(Previously on I'm Game For That)**_

Harry: Ahh. Finally, the exit. Finally, I can go to the class _[Herbology – did you know?]_ that everybody keeps telling me to go to! Finally, some peace!

Malfoy: NOPE.

_**(And so it continues...)**_

Harry: Oh, son of a barrel!

Malfoy: Well, well, Potter, we meet again. Having a tour of the castle, are we?

Harry: … That actually made very little sense. Your tone of voice didn't even make it sound threatening or sarcastic. It was rather polite, actually.

Malfoy: Shuddup. This is as far as you'll be going. You won't get past me, no matter how hard you try.

Harry: *_Shoots him in the face with an M6D magnum_* Actually, I barely tried just now, and I could get past you just fine.

Malfoy: Uh no, that's cheating. Oh, boo hoo, Potter can't get out of the castle! !

Some Moron: I haven't looked at the game in real time lately, but in the subtitles appearing in the YouTube video, it looks like there are two exclamation points after that, with a space between them. Like in Zero Wing.

Harry: What happen?

Malfoy: How are you gentlemen _! !_ All your base are belong to us _! !_

Chocolate Frog: I exist!

Malfoy: These Wizard Crackers should make you feel better. They're surprisingly good fun – here, catch!

Malfoy's Battle Music: *_Is epic, and the developers actually chose to keep this one around for a while. Found it in HP3's data files too._* DUN-DUH-DUN-DUHDUHDUHDA-DUN-DUNDUNDUNNNN!

Harry: _You are throwing party favors at me_. Are you serious?

Pinkie Pie: What's wrong with party favors?

Malfoy: Sure I'm serious. But they're DEADLY party favors! *_throws one_*

Harry: Nope. *_throws it back_*

Malfoy: Famous or not, you won't *_gets hit in face with explosives_* get past me! Nope, I give no indication of being hit if I'm talking at the time!

Some Moron: Honestly though, I have to say this is one part of the game that's really done well. Better, in fact, than imp fights in Prisoner of Azkaban, where holding a wizard cracker and preparing to throw it makes you walk super slow as if they weigh seventy pounds.

Malfoy: Frag out! *_throws another one_*

Harry: *_throws it back_*

Malfoy: OW IN THE FACE. Curse you, Potter! Next time, you won't be so lucky!

Harry: That was pure skill, biatch!

Camera: Malfoy now walks up the Grand Staircase. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. He walks all the way up to the top.

Harry: I don't caaaaare!

Camera: One of the double doors opens by itself and Harry walks out. This is such a cutscene-worthy moment!

Loading Screen: Hi again! This is the Grounds. By the way, in this level you will be attending Herbology class.

Stone Steps: The map designers put no effort into properly texturing us. We feel unloved!

Hagrid: Hello, Harry, it's me, Hagrid! So, that "Fire Seeds music"? It appears to be my theme song now.

Harry: It's pretty and stuff.

Hagrid: These are the Hogwarts castle grounds and I'm the gamekeeper, o'course.

Harry: According to the story, I already know both of those things. The gamekeeper part might be excusable since it hasn't been mentioned yet, but the bloody loading screen just _told_ me this is the grounds!

Hagrid: Yer BFF, Hermione, who's still uncharacteristically nice considering this is before the troll incident, is at the greenhouse entrance waitin' for yeh. I am the only character who manages to be subtle about telling you to GO TO HERBOLOGY CLASS.

Harry: Kthx. *_Heads for greenhouse entrance_*

Hermione: The Herbology lesson is just past Professor Sprout's garden.

Harry: I KNOW!

Developers: See, most people are really stupid, and so the only way we can effectively direct players' attention to the goal is to use an endless supply of obnoxious unskippable cutscenes.

Hermione: I'm waiting here for Neville, even though me coming with you would be perfect for either A, an NPC helper, or B, a second player in a co-op game. Anyway, go ahead, it's not dangerous or anything.

Harry: *_Comes face to face with giant orange poisonous acidic snails_* ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

Snails: Nope.

Harry: Boy am I getting a lot of practice with Flipendo. Too bad you don't NEED practice for it.

Fountain statue: My water is flowing _up_.

Harry: That doesn't seem physically possible!

Fountain statue: I know, that's what it's saying!

Water: This doesn't seem physically possible!

Music_Green_Cauldron: I am creepy.

Harry: I definitely hear something angry snapping at me from behind these hedges.

Giant frickin Venus flytrap: HAI!

Harry: Sweet Merlin's chicken dinner!

Flytrap: We are immune to Flipendo. Hah.

Harry: I'm, um, going to run past you now.

Flytrap: Nope.

Harry: FREAKING OW! *_Jumps over flytrap_*

Flytrap: Fine... stupid kids, taking advantage of my hitbox that defies the laws of Euclidean geometry...

Statue: I'm not hiding a secret area or anything...

Harry: Yeah right! ALOHOMORA!

Statue: I guess you said the magic words. *_Opens a secret area_*

Happy_Hogwarts Music: I'm playing twenty percent slower than usual.

Harry: It sounds kinda cool, actually.

Rainbow Dash: Twenty percent cooler?

Harry: E-yup.

The game: *_Epic fails in the YouTube walkthrough at this point, bizarre crash with scanlines_*

You: *_Just lost the game_*

Harry's shadow: *_Becomes creepy and luminescent, along with all other objects with transparency, when you interrupt the game_*

*_A wild locked gate appears!_*

Gate: U mad, bro? _*trollface*_

Harry: I kinda hafta get to Herbology.

Gate: NONE SHALL PASS!

Harry: I have no quarrel with you, good sir gate. But I must ask that you stand aside!

Gate: NONE SHALL PASS!

Harry: SO BE IT! *_Goes the other way around and encounters yet another giant stone cube_* Wingardium Leviosa!

Cube: You think you can just push me around wherever you dang well please? Well, hah. I'm gonna glitch myself into the hedge!

Harry: No way! That's cheating!

Cube: Don't tell me you've never tried Debug Mode. That's totally cheating worse.

Harry: Nope, never done it.

Cube: I don't caaaare.

Harry: Now what the flying flubber am I going to do if I can't get the cube onto the platform?

Twilight Sparkle: Maybe I can help.

Harry: … Sure, why not.

Twilight Sparkle: Okay. *_Effortlessly rips the cube out of the solid hedge and places it on the platform with her ridiculously overpowered magical ability._*

Harry: Wow, thanks! How can I repay you?

Twilight Sparkle: It's no problem. Just let readers who aren't MLP fans know that I am not Edward Cullen. *_Teleports back to Equestria_*

Camera: Most players are probably too stupid to understand that THE GATE JUST OPENED. GO TO THE GATE.

Harry: Wait, could that be the greenhouse? Could it be time at last to go to Herbology?

Fred and George: NOPE!

Harry: Let me guess... you're here to collect more beans from me to sell on the black market.

Fred: Yup.

Harry: How many?

George: 25. Then we'll show up later and ask for 25 more.

Harry: I have over a hundred! Why don't I just give you all of them and you never bug me again?

Fred: Nope. Incidentally, we sound nothing like our movie counterparts. Anyway, see ya, Harry. We've got work to do. On some, _*ahem*..._ experiments.

Neville and Hermione: *_Run past, heading for the greenhouse door_*

Harry: Hey! Where were you guys when I was being murdered by Venus flytraps and giant snails? You could've helped me!

Neville: Actually, we were having a good time just watching you risk your life from a safe distance. My Remembrall told me how to sequence-break across the entire death trap.

Harry: FFFFUUUUU- !


	6. Eldritch Abominations Galore

**#include "stddisclaimer.h"**

**So, my favorite pony? I'd probably say Twilight or Fluttershy. Or Rainbow Dash. I don't even know. One does not simply pick a favorite pony.**

_**(Previously on I'm Game For That)**_

Harry: Wait, could that be the greenhouse? Could it be time at last to go to Herbology?

Neville and Hermione: *_Run past, heading for the greenhouse door_*

Harry: Hey! Where were you guys when I was being murdered by Venus flytraps and giant snails? You could've helped me!

Neville: Actually, we were having a good time just watching you risk your life from a safe distance. My Remembrall told me how to sequence-break across the entire death trap.

Harry: FFFFUUUUU- !

_**(And so it continues...)**_

_(I just realized that in the greenhouse entrance scene, we hear the gnomes' theme song instead of the one they've been using for Fred and George... fail?)_

Harry: So I got a wizard card from Gred and Forge, and now here's a secret area with another one!

Gargoyle Statue: IKR! Isn't that awesome? Wouldn't it be even more awesome if there were a point to collecting those?

Harry: Actually, there IS a point, you get another secret ending bit if you find every single card.

Gargoyle Statue: Yeah, but you don't get a Gamerscore bonus.

Harry: Fine, imma go into the greenhouse now.

Greenhouse door noise: *_Is actually a really, really good recording of a squeaky metal door_*

Loading screen: THIS IS HERBOLOGY CLASS!

Professor Sprout: Welcome, class! I am overly optimistic! Incidentally, do you know what class this is?

iheartmwpp: Transfiguration, right?

Professor Sprout: Today, we will learn the Incendio spell, which canonically STARTS FIRES. Ever heard of taking artistic license? Well, EA sure did it. They took the Incendio spell, which simply by its roots implies conflagration, and turn it into... I don't even bloody know what it is anymore, but its function is now to cut vines and temporarily disable dangerous sentient plants.

Harry: … dafuq?

Sprout: Also, to rub it in your face, the symbol for Incendio definitely still resembles a poorly-drawn flame. Yet it comes out as light blue smoke. I guess we just didn't like flames.

Tara Gilesbie: Stop flaming, u prepz!

Harry: During the initial spell test – where I, as a wizard in training, must hold down the mouse button – it actually sort of looks like an explosion after a successful cast, as if it will actually be a fire spell. Then all hopes get dashed.

Rainbow Dash: In ten seconds flat.

Sprout: Just wait till practice, it will lose any similarities it ever had to fire. Let's go – I can't wait to watch you face-palming, and dying, from my cozy balcony.

Harry: Yay! No loading screen! Hmm, how about that – giant pulsating green blobs full of yellow spines. WTF are those?

Sprout: Those are Spiky Bushes.

Harry: Really. Spiky bushes. Are you guys even trying to come up with clever names anymore? Also, they look nothing like bushes.

Sprout: Don't blame us, computer graphics from this time period weren't as good as –

Harry: Halo 1, level 2. Your argument is invalid.

Sprout: So yeah, you can cast Incendio on Spiky Bushes, but step back to avoid their needles.

Harry: … they can SHOOT?

TheSilverKetchup: You impale ten-year-old boys with giant spikes?

Sprout: Yup.

Some Moron: Incidentally, the Spiky Bushes depend on shooting and looking scary to keep players away from them. You might get hurt if you walk straight into them (I haven't tried), but you can walk right through their spines.

Harry: And more gnomes, lovely.

Venus flytrap: HAI!

Sprout: I am capable of Offscreen Teleportation. Also, this is a typical species of Venomous Tentacula.

Harry: Oh yeah? *_Pulls out Pokeball_* Well, THIS is a typical species of venomous Tentacool.

Sprout: Cast Incendio to -

Harry: Set it on fire.

Sprout: No, wilt it. According to the Harry Potter Wiki, the console version of the game actually did get that right – Incendio burned the things up. Not now!

Harry: Incendio!

Sprout: Good. By the way, it will wake up in about ten seconds. There's really no point to casting this spell on those things anyway. Also, lots of Spiky Bushes. Want 100 percent completion? Go kill them all!

Harry: Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! I'm bored! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Monaters! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio!

Venomous Tentacula: *_Wakes up_* OH GOD MAKE IT STOP.

Harry: What were the model designers thinking when they made you? You look nothing like canon pictures. You just look like a giant Venus flytrap.

Venomous Tentacula: There's one illustration that I do resemble, but yeah, mostly it's kind of a fail.

Harry: So, bookshelves that hit me in the face. What could be the point of this?

Secret room: I'm full of grass and a river. And stairs. And a footbridge.

Harry: How do grass and trees even grow down here without sunlight?

Tree: Heck if I know.

Harry: I'll admit the lighting looks kinda awesome though. I think they did a better job placing point lights in this tiny bit of the map than they did on the entire Grounds.

Grounds: I don't have point lights. I'm lit by sunlight.

Harry: I pity you. Anyway, imma go now. *_Moves to next room, where some long vines appear to be very interested in a tree that has crashed through the roof_*

Harry: To be perfectly honest, these things would match the name "Venomous Tentaculas" a lot better than the official models do.

Random student: Those vines are attacking that poor tree!

Harry: But they're not actually _doing_ anything. They're just hovering there.

Random student: Yeah, but I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going.

Harry: Your joke is bad, and you should feel bad.

Random student: That looks like a Doxy. *_Doxy flies past her, never really touches her_* Ouch!

Harry: Incidentally, what are you doing here? You never see anybody else in challenges, nobody goes through them with you or anything – but I get here, and you're here.

Some Moron: Fridge Horror – maybe the unlucky students who cannot pass the challenge are doomed to roam the halls forever, trapped in the challenge.

Harry: Those vines look dangerous. I'd better not step on them.

Vines: Yes, listen to the lost Ravenclaw girl.

Harry: EW NOT IN THAT WAY.

TheSilverKetchup: Even this tree is trying to escape this evil greenhouse!

Harry: Incendio!

Vines: Owie!

Harry: So I got rid of the ones sticking up, but the ground is still full of pulsating green vines, which in fact are much less healthy to the tree than the ones I got rid of. Yet I somehow still "saved the tree."

Tree: I don't know either, but here's your reward – platforms!

Music_Green_Cauldron: Am I really the appropriate music track to play?

Tree: I guess you're just the universal platforming theme song.

Harry: K. I'm going to go now.

More Trees: We are a treehouse room. It's actually kinda awesome.

Elevator: I am an elevator.

Cutscene: YOU JUST WENT ON AN ELEVATOR.

Flipendo Switch: Hai!

Harry: Hi. FLIIIIII-PENDO! *_Waits for annoying cutscene_* … No annoying cutscene?

New Elevator: Nope. I actually know how to be subtle!

Harry: More gnomes aaaaand hey, more Companion Cubes.

GLaDOS: As part of a required Enrichment Center protocol, the previous statement that we would have no more levitation puzzles was a complete fabrication.

Harry: Now what could this machine possibly do? I'll just drop the cubes on it and find out. Probably just opens the door out of this room.

Machine: Nope!

Flower pots: It rotates us around so the falling water can irrigate us!

Harry: That's what this challenge is, it's just an excuse for me to do chores for Sprout!

Sprout: Thanks, now clean my toilet.

Loading Screen: You're still in the INCENDIO CHALLENGE. Even though you haven't used Incendio in the last five minutes.

Harry: Another useless room with a Flipendo switch puzzle to open the door!

Gnomes: We aren't even a surprise anymore.

Harry: Go away.

Giant Multi-Headed Venomous Tentacula of Oh My God What Even Is That Thing: HAI!

Harry: DAFUQ IS THAT THING?

GMHVToOMGWEITT: *_Lunges in all directions with all four heads simultaneously_*

Harry: Incendio! *_GMHVT falls motionless_* Really? One hit?

Tentacle's Hitbox: I'm bigger than you think!

Harry: Owie. Why did that even hurt?

Spiky Bushes: Hi! Remember us?

Harry: Yup. Now eat blue smoke of doom! *_Incendificates them_*

Multiple Giant Multi-Headed Venomous Tentaculas From Some Lovecraft Novel: HAI!

Harry: OH MY GOD! Professor! Professor Sprout!

Sprout: _*Sweetly*_ Yes?

Harry: Have you forgotten I'm eleven frickin' years old? What were you thinking, sending me to take down these ludicrous Eldritch abominations?

Some Moron: Incidentally, this is another one of those rooms I was unwilling to cross as a kid.

Secret Room: Hi, I'm full of useless platforms you have to jump up. And then down. Good luck keeping your blood pressure down if you chose to use Auto Jump. It sure did annoy the maker of the reference videos being used for this fic.

Useless Labyrinth: I'm full of useless flytraps. At least they aren't fifty feet tall.

Cute but Pointless Room: I have a dry fountain. Please, water me by hitting those Flipendo switches to release the poorly-animated water.

Harry: What's even the point of that room? Come to think of it, what's the point of any of these rooms? What's the point of this entire game?

Sprout: Congratulations, Mr. Potter! You've completed the death trap – er, challenge! Have some useless House points.

Loading Screen: It's time for a flying lesson!

Harry: NOOOOOOO!


	7. Aerial Broomstick Dogfight

**#include "stddisclaimer.h"  
**

**I entirely forgot about working on this fic until today, when I normally start working on it around Sunday. Hey, do they have an Olympic event based around forgetting? I should try and compete!**

**Also, allow me to reiterate that TheSilverKetchup's videos on YouTube are awesome. His lastest video in the Let's Play Harry Potter series is the funniest thing I've seen in some time now.**

_**(Previously on I'm Game For That)**_

Sprout: Congratulations, Mr. Potter! You've completed the death trap – er, challenge! Have some useless House points.

Loading Screen: It's time for a flying lesson!

Harry: NOOOOOOO!

_**(And so it continues...)**_

Hagrid: There yeh are! I'm glad yeh survived yer Herbology class!

Harry: Oh, it was no problem, except the plants that tried to eat me, and the plants that tried to impale me, and the giant snails that tried to poison me, et cetera.

Hagrid: I've got somethin' I need to talk to yeh about. Be best ter discuss it back at me hut.

Harry: You got a crush on someone?

Hagrid: No, no, nothin' like that. But come see me at me hut, the location of which I won't tell yeh or show yeh despite this game's belief that Viewers Are Morons, after yer done with yer broomstick trainin'.

Harry: *_Runs off to the most likely location for broomstick classes_*

Ron: Here comes Neville – he looks quite upset. Best go and see what he wants.

Neville: Please help me!

Malfoy's Theme Music: I AM OMINOUS!

Malfoy: Guess what I did?

Neville: He stoleded my Remembrall! Waahh!

Harry: Wait – canonically, in both book and movie, Neville loses his Remembrall during broomstick training. Did you guys start the class without me? How'd you expect me to get there so fast?

Malfoy: Of course we did! You're always the last person ever to walk into the classroom. So yeah, I took his red Cloud in a Bottle, and I'm gonna hide it in a tree now.

Harry: LOL no.

Crabbe and Goyle: EVIL MANIACAL LAUGHTER! Also, we both move at the same time with perfect synchronization.

PewDiePie: Synchronized daaaance!

Malfoy: So, think you can catch me? Fine, then I will invite you to come fly with me.

Loading Screen: Knock Malfoy off his broom until he returns Neville's Remembrall.

Harry: That made no sense. You don't knock him off his broom more than once. In fact, I don't think you even do it once. You just hit him repeatedly and finally after a few hits, he gives it back.

Malfoy: You want the Remembrall back? See if you can catch it!

Malfoy, in theory: And you better watch out for my Bludgers!

Harry: Imma beat you senseless. Also, I definitely did not hear you say anything about Bludgers, even though the subtitles swear you said it.

Malfoy: Hahahahahaaaaa!

Harry: *_Brushes against him lightly_*

Malfoy: OW! AAAHH!

Harry: Dude, you are weak.

Malfoy: You damaged my broomstick, Potter!

Harry: Oh, that tiny little rough spot? I think that was there.

Malfoy: I'll sue you!

Harry: Nooooooo!

Malfoy: Take the stupid Remembrall. I have no use for it – I won't forget to contact my lawyer.

Neville: I'm sad.

Harry: Hi! I'm returning your stolen goods.

Neville: Gee, thanks! Now it'll remind me where I left my toad. Oh hey, I left him near the Herbology class.

Harry: Some of those plants eat toads, BT-Dubz.

Neville: Oh, son of a - ! *_Walks off towards Herbology, slowly and still sad_*

Harry: I gave you back your orb of nonforgetting – why are you still sad?

Neville: Because Trevor might totally have been killeded.

McGonagall: I'm introducing myself just now, even though you should have known who I was long ago.

Harry: You actually have a skilled voice actor.

McGonagall: IKR. So because you royally effed up Malfoy and his broomstick -

Harry: That's what she said...

McGonagall: - I'm going to put you on the Quidditch team and stuff. Ordinarily, first-year game designers are not allowed to make awful simulations of the wizarding sport. In your case, we might overlook that rule.

Harry: NOOOOOO!

McGonagall: I am rapidly nodding my head. You're going to endure your first match shortly, against the overpowered Slytherins. Have fun! *_walks off_*

Harry: But... but... what about broomstick practice?

McGonagall: That WAS broomstick practice. Instead of a traditional class, we had Malfoy and Neville conspire to help you practice flying. Now go to Hagrid's hut, the only path on the Outdoor Hub Level that you haven't taken yet.

Harry: Whatever...

Loading Screen: Get through a linear progression of death traps to reach Hagrid's hut.

Arrow Sign: There is only one way you can possibly go, so I want to make sure you choose to go that way.

Harry: Hey, a giant hollow tree trunk floating over a perfectly round lake in a canyon. This is not contrived at all.

Music fireseeds_v2_mx: I am still pretty!

TheSilverKetchup: A gem-encrusted chest? This looks an awful lot like something Professor Sprout would have. I hope I'm not close to her secret lair or something.

Path-blocking log: Hi. I'm blocking your path.

Harry: I distinctly remember you not being here, and a fire crab being here.

Path-blocking log: I don't even know how they decide what to put here – if there are two different builds of the game that lay out this level differently, or what. But some people see me, and some see a crab. And some see me being crabby.

Parkour-blocking log: You have to use the stump over there to get across me. You suck at climbing.

Harry: So, time to Flipendo this tree. Stupid spell targeting system, why can I not hit it?

Applejack: Lemme at it! *_Bucks the tree, which falls, and it becomes a bridge over a bottomless pit that just exists here, in nature, for no apparent reason._*

Harry: Thank you.

Applejack: No problem, sugarcube.

Doxy: HAI!

Music_Green_Cauldron: That settles it, I am the universal platforming theme song.

Harry: Aaaand a bunch of stumps to jump across.

TheSilverKetchup: Wait, some lumberjack went around, just chopping up trees? Were they the person that escaped [Hogwarts, and left those convenient signs out for me]? They didn't even bother cutting them at the root!

Harry: Those are definitely trees growing in a lake. That's not unusual at all. Hey, more flytraps... and spiky bushes... and giant snails. FLIPENDO! FLIPENDO! FLIPENDO!

*_A platform rises out of the ground and allows access to a secret area_*

TheSilverKetchup: Okay, so killing animals makes platforms rise up.

Harry: Oh wow, the secret areas in this place are really elaborate. Hey, it's Hagrid's hut. Wait... he goes ALL THIS WAY to reach his hut? WTF?

Loading Screen: Seriously.

Hagrid: Harry! Over here! Come inside the hut and stuff. Also, congratulations on making the Quidditch team.

Harry: WHAT. I am literally the first person you could've contacted after that happened. There is no way you could know this soon.

Hagrid: One word: owl.

Harry: Oh.

Hagrid: So, welcome to my hut. Now I make yeh feel worse about yer living quarters at the Dursleys' house by claiming to have a superior room. I'm so friendly!

Harry: Yeah... _*sob*_ It's nice, Hagrid.

Hagrid: So yeah, this is a dragon egg that I'm cooking in the fireplace. Keep this strictly confidential.

Harry: K.

Hagrid: It needs an extra burst of heat to hatch, so rather than take a blowtorch to it, I need some fire seeds. That's right. Fire seeds. I have to GROW SOME FIRE.

Harry: That makes so much sense!

Hagrid: They're filled with gasoline, don't tell nobody. Now go to me garden and get me some.

Harry: Garden? This isn't going to be another Incendio Challenge, is it?

Hagrid: No way, me garden is frickin' awesome. And hardly a garden by any stretch of the imagination. Get me as many seeds as yeh can find, I think there are 12 in total that yeh can get. And yet, yeh can still get by with just three, with no penalties.

Harry: K. *_Leaves the hut_*

Piggeh: Oink!


	8. A Minor Who's Also a Miner

**#include "stddisclaimer.h"**

_**(Previously on I'm Game For That)**_

Hagrid: Me garden is frickin' awesome. Get me as many Fire Seeds as yeh can find.

Harry: K. *_Leaves the hut_*

Piggeh: Oink!

_**(And so it continues...)**_

Arrow Sign: Through the brush would be the wrong way. The path to the left is the field of play.

Zecora: Good one.

Snails: Hi! We're moving in diamond shapes, as if that makes it a challenge to get past us.

Rarity: Did someone say diamonds?

Harry: Hey, a cave. Time for some spelunking!

Terraria Cave Music: I should be playing in this level.

Doxy: You learn to hate my kind fairly quickly.

Haters: Then this game promotes RACISM!

Doxy: That would be species-ism.

Waterfall Room: Places like myself remind you that while most of the level design in this game isn't perfect... the natural scenery is _epic_.

Some Moron: I would love to see this level redesigned in high quality and high-definition, like Halo Anniversary. Just with better controls. And physics. And sound. Come to think of it, I would love to see a remade version of this level in a completely different game.

Harry: Okay, it looks nice, I suppose... but some of the rocks and cliff edges are so unnatural. They're practically cubes!

Rocks and Cliff Edges: Shut up. Minecraft is our role model.

Boulder: Hi. I'm blocking your path.

Harry: Not for long... FLIPENDO!

Boulder: Note how nicely I roll, since I'm a nearly perfect sphere.

Harry: … I sense a wee bit of a ripoff of Indiana Jones.

Boulder: Oh, you just wait until I chase you down a hallway in the second game. I'll have my revenge for being pushed around like this AND rip off IJ even more!

Harry: *Pushes through more round boulders and finds himself in a room with a flaming tree* That must be a Fire Seed Plant!

Music_Green_Cauldron: Why on earth do I play here?

Harry: Viewers are Morons, so remember: STAY AWAY FROM SEEDS UNTIL THEY COOL DOWN. Don't walk up to them until they stop sparkling.

Edward Cullen: But they're not in direct sunlight...

Harry: GET OUT.

Fire Seed Plant: K, have some seeds.

Harry: I could be done with the level right now, since three seeds are enough to beat it... but I feel masochistic today. Time for more spelunking!

Platforms: I like shorts. They're comfy and easy to wear.

Harry: …

Fire Seed Plant: So, you can find one of my kind, basically fire in blooming plant form, under a waterfall. Yeah, sounds legit.

*A collision glitch at this part of the reference video makes Harry miss the next ledge even though he hits it.*

Harry: So, now that I've been restored from the dead, I'll just keep going and- THERE IS TOTALLY ANOTHER FIRE PLANT UNDER ANOTHER WATERFALL.

Venomous Tentaculas: FEAR US!

Harry: I don't. I don't even know where you are yet.

Fire Crab: None shall pass!

Harry: *FLIPENDO!* Everypony shall pass!

Venomous Tentaculas: Here we are! Let me play you the song of my people.

Music_Green_Cauldron: Okay, I sound kinda cool, but now I'm just getting old.

Harry: Hey, look, a room with very prominent stalactites and no apparent way to cross the perilous water... hmm...

Stalactite: Funny how I stand straight up in the water when I fall. I'm not sharp enough to pierce any ground capable of holding water, and in fact, the water doesn't even seem deep if this is as far as I can fall...

Harry: Are you really trying to rationalize the physics in _this_ game, of all possible games?

Fire Seed Plant: Why are there so many of me when you literally need only three seeds?

Fire Crab: Hah! You won't get past me!

Harry: Sure I will. I'll just blast you off that platform with a spell, knocking you into the frigid water for you to die of asphyxiation.

Fire Crab: I'll tell PETA on you!

Harry: Sure, you do that. *Flips its endo and advances into a cave in which there is no platforming or danger*

Music_Green_Cauldron: … Okay, why. Just why.

Harry: Here's a tip. Just because a song is cool doesn't make it a good idea to use it as the theme music for EVERY ROOM EVER. Oh hey, it's Hagrid's hut.

Hagrid: Great job, Harry. I can tell without yeh even sayin' a word that yeh've got all three fire seeds I need, plus a whole bunch more that I don't need.

Harry: How did you know?

Hagrid: I hath telekinesis. Now come inside, we've totally got a dragon t' hatch.

Harry: *Jogs in place at the base of the stairs to the hut... the collision system is bloody pathetic*

Hagrid: So, just toss the seeds in the fire.

Harry: *Tosses the seeds in the fire*

Dragon egg: Nope.

Hagrid: That's strange. I figured a burst of heat would do it. Maybe it needs some physical shock.

Rainbow Dash: On it! *Forms a Sonic Rainboom*

Dragon egg: Fine! *Blows the heck up*

Hagrid: So yeah, a baby dragon. He's a Norwegian Ridgeback, yeh know. I'm gonna call him Spike. Here Harry, as a gift for helping me hatch him, take this FLUTE.

Harry: Okay... a little random, but okay... also I don't know how to play a flute.

Hagrid: Just blow into the thing... the earsplitting cacophony you will produce can make some creatures sleep. Hint, hint, foreshadow, foreshadow. Now time for Quidditch.

Lee Jordan: Welcome to Quiddiiiitch! I'm your commentator, Lee Jordan. It's Gryffindor versus... _Slytherin_.

Epic music: This is the most important event ever.

Lee: For some reason, I proceed to sum up the entire rules of the entire game of Quidditch, even though everyone attending should already know! But the important thing is, Harry Potter has to catch the Snitch!

McGonagall: There's a Slytherin seeker too, you know.

Lee: Yeah, but Slytherin can go suck an egg. So watch out for Bludgers. I'm actually telling this to the crowd as well as the players, so evidently they have no qualms about attacking spectators. Fortunately, the Beaters will fly on predetermined paths and pretend to keep them away from you!

Harry's broom: I am so eager to play that I leap into your hand before you even say "Up."

Lee: Let's play Quidditch! … THERE'S THE SNITCH!

Harry: All right, I'm totally going to- OW, don't sideswipe me, Slytherin Seeker... I'm Harry Freakin' Potter. *Smashes headlong into stadium*

Lee: I've never seen such flying!

Harry: … I'll bet you haven't.

Lee: Gooooo Potter! … Uh, sorry, Miss.

Harry: Yeah, Lee's not even trying to be impartial here. *Catches the snitch*

Some Moron: TheSilverKetchup managed to beat Quidditch in _five seconds_. Especially hilarious considering he feigns inexperience throughout the series.

Lee: Well done! Harry Potter has beaten Slytherin! My name's Lee Jordan, signing off!

Narrator: Harry Potter, the youngest seeker in the history of Hogwarts –

Ron: Technically just a century.

Narrator: – had won the Quidditch match.

Harry: I KNOW.

Loading Screen: Time for more Defense Against the Dark Arts and Crafts!

Hermione: So yeah, epic job playing Quidditch and stuff. Something is troubling me, Harry. You might think, from those words, that I'm worried about someone, or I don't know if I can pass some test, or something... nope, Ron and I heard noises. And that's "troubling" me. So go check it out.

Random student: The Daily Prophet says Gringotts was broken into.

Team Missile Bomb: Hey! Find the inbreaking man!

Random student: I wonder who would do that?

Harry: Plenty of people rob banks, why are you so surprised someone tried this? *Heads for the staircases*

Fred and George: We're being sneaky. Hint, hint. *Sneaks through a door*

Harry: I wonder if they want 25 beans... *follows them through door aaaaand they're gone* Where'd they go?

Fred and George: HAI! *step out of fireplace just after fire vanishes and gate opens* We don't show it but ow that's hot.

Harry: How come you hid in the fireplace when you could've just stood here and waited for me to show up?

Fred: We like to be sneaky like that.

George: Soooo have you collected 25 beans?

Harry: Yes, yes I have.

Fred: Can we have them? We kinda need the drug money.

George: *elbows him in the ribs* Actually, it's a little "joke" we're playing on "Slytherin."

Harry: Fine... *gives him beans*

Fred: Thanks, pal. Have a floating pentagon.

Harry: K, I'm gonna go do some stuff now. *Goes to staircase*

Random student: The third floor is up these stairs. At least, it was yesterday.

Harry: Uh, these particular stairs don't change. Ever. *Goes up many, many stairs and reaches the third floor* … THERE IS NO SECOND FLOOR.

Iron gate: I am opening!

Harry: Yipe! *Hides behind pillar*

Amnesia grunt: Rooooaaaarrrr.

Harry: You're in the wrong game.

Snape: Rooooaaaarrrr.

Harry: He's kinda limping... I sense two things: One, there is a monster behind that gate, and two, severe canon deviations!

Snape: I'm totally taking advantage of this secret passage.

Ron: WOW! I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M OUT OF EARSHOT OF HIM YET! And I sound so excited about Snape sneaking about!

Harry: K.

Ron: So he came out of the forbidden corridor... let's take a look before Filch comes back.

Harry: K. *Walks up to the gate with him*

Ron: Hear that growling?

Harry: … nope. Silence.

Ron: … never mind. Look closely at the gate.

Roar: *happens*

Harry: Ah. So where's Hermione? She's the one who told me to come check this out.

Hermione: Hi. My behavior makes no sense. I'm no longer interested in growling; we need to get to Defense Against the Dark Arts, even though only one of us will actually do anything.

Harry: Hoo boy.

**So at this point in the fic, I am exactly caught up with TheSilverKetchup's videos. Now go watch them!**


	9. Let There Be Lumos

**#include "stddisclaimer.h"**

**I'm curious – reader feedback needed here for quality purposes. This chapter (like some previous ones) gets pretty random and off-topic at some points... do you like it? Should I drop the outside references in the future, or stick to the current style?**

_**(Previously on I'm Game For That)**_

Hermione: Hi. My behavior makes no sense. I'm no longer interested in growling; we need to get to Defense Against the Dark Arts, even though only one of us will actually do anything.

Harry: Hoo boy.

_**(And so it continues...)**_

Quirrel: Today we will learn t-to illuminate Dark Magic with the Lumos spell.

Harry: Really, _illuminate_ Dark Magic? Okay, now you're really running dry on ideas for making these spell lessons sound like ways to defend against the Dark Arts.

Quirrel: Sh-shut up. Now since you've certainly never had to do this before, I explain in detail how to trace a spell logo. Yeah, use the mouse b-b-button. I guess, if anything, this game is a good tutorial on how to use Drag-and-Drop.

_(You know, you lose potential grade points for straying even slightly off the perfect spline curve... are students really expected to be THAT accurate with wand movements every single time they cast a spell?)_

Quirrel: Yes, if the events in this game were real, they would be torture akin to Brennenburg. Now, you probably know where to go, so I won't tell you it's time for a spell challenge, I'll just walk off.

Harry: Really? Thank you, it's nice to have people refrain from stating the obvious.

Moron Player: But... but... where do I go now?

Loading Screen: TO THE LUMOS CHALLENGE.

Quirrel: You can practice the Lumos spell on that g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-gargoyle.

Harry: Wait, what? Lumos just lights your wand. You don't cast it... especially not on a statue.

Quirrel: Just b-bloody d-do it. Hold d-down the mouse b-button to-

Harry: I KNOW! I'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR THE ENTIRE GAME! Lumos!

Gargoyle: *_Epic growl_*

Light bridge: Hai!

Harry: … wut.

Light bridge: I'm made of little pulsating lights. I'm perfectly safe to cross!

Thrackerzod: I declare that this plan cannot go wrong!

Quirrel: That's q-quite bright, isn't it?

Harry: Uh... perhaps according to a definition of "bright" of which I was not previously aware.

Quirrel: It's... as bright as it can appear without HDR capability.

Harry: No. It's dim. It could be twice as bright without even washing out the detail. Your argument is invalid.

Quirrel: Whatever, just cross it. Go away.

Harry: Fine. Imma jump on the bridge now.

Light bridge: I am definitely a solid invisible block.

Harry: Time to cast lots of Flipendo and Alohomora!

Gargoyle: Considering the design of this game, it's actually surprising that you see another one of me so soon in THE LUMOS CHALLENGE. Also, roar.

Light bridges: We're shiny!

Harry: I don't even... how do you exist, and why can I walk on you like a solid block? You can't walk on little pulses of light.

Light bridge: A Wizard Did It. It's magic.

Harry: I KNOW it's magic, but it makes no sense even in context! Magical surfaces generally have defined edges – think of the force field around Hogwarts in _DH_.

Light bridge: Stop complaining. There are light bridges in Halo.

Harry: Sure, but not only do they have clearly defined edges, they actually makes sense in context. It's a universe where there ARE invisible energy-based surfaces, some of which can deflect bullets.

Some Moron: I'm curious, does anyone have a canonical explanation for the existence of Lumos bridges?

Harry: What do you have against light bridges, anyway? You complained about them in your Halo fic as well.

New Gargoyle: A spell challenge where you actually practice the spell on a routine basis. Amazing! I haven't seen this since the Flipendo challenge!

Harry: Just a repetitive spell lesson, nothing to see here!

Another Gargoyle: You can't reach me – I'm behind an iron gate. A gate full of huge holes.

Harry: Sounds legit.

Still Another Gargoyle: Every time you trigger one of us, you trigger a cut scene. Just when it seemed like this was a good level...

Challenge Star: I'm in the middle of what appears to be a big arena. Don't let that get you down, I'm perfectly safe. I won't spawn a boss.

Harry: I don't trust you. I'm never gonna pick you up.

Challenge Star: But I'm shiny.

Harry: ...Fine! *_Picks up Challenge Star_*

Peeves: SUCKERRRR!

Harry: Dangit.

Peeves: Hey, Potter, you're ugly, but what can we do?

Harry: Finally figured out what he's saying there aaaaand it makes no sense anyway. Taunts are supposed to make sense.

Peeves: I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Harry: You have more health this time.

Peeves: E-yup. I love Heart Containers.

Harry: HAX!

Peeves: I am Peeves, Potter, and you- ow. I actually respond to damage even when I'm talking, unlike Malfoy.

Harry: Fliiiipendo!

Peeves: If you look in a mirror, you surely will crap!

Harry: ...what?

Some Moron: I think I got the first part right, but the last bit, probably not. Then again, the scriptwriters for this game aren't exactly good at coming up with boss taunts.

Peeves: You definitely misheard me.

Harry: Give us another taunt! Misheard words are so entertaining!

Peeves: Dance on your balls, cat f**king a handbag, yours only yours, a walrus tickle dance band …

Harry: IKR, the Swedish version of Caramelldansen is awesome like that.

Boss music: I keep playing after the fight is over, kind of like in a goblin invasion in Terraria.

Haters: They must have COPIED THE IDEA!

Harry: And another gargoyle. Lumos!

Gargoyle: I guess this spell does have one canonical function – the area around the gargoyle _does_ light up quite a bit.

Light bridge: I am moving, and there are lot of directions you might choose to go...

Some Moron: This part used to murder me when I was younger. I don't know why, but I could never get off one of the side ledges and safely onto the light bridge. Several times, Harry grabbed onto the invisible block bridge like he was going to climb it, but then never climbed it and just fell into the abyss after a few seconds.

Perilous platforms: People with a fear of heights must dread these parts like nothing else.

Harry: Hey, another random kid walking around a challenge!

Random kid: Please stop that.

Harry: … what? Stop what?

Random kid: I think I'm lost.

Harry: Note the shiny magical lock in front of you. Remember what spell to use on it?

Random kid: … Wingardium Leviosa?

Harry: Um. I think you may be the intended audience of this game's perpetual tutorial mode.

Bridge pieces: We emerge out of a hole in the wall. Funny how these complicated mechanisms never fail.

Harry: IdleSwineProductions managed to make me cast Flipendo, repeatedly, at NOTHING at this point.

Perilous platforms: I would love to troll somebody by jumping out of the way when they try to land on me. I wonder if I could get away with that sometime...

Harry: Yay, taking the light elevator to the second floor.

Nearly Headless Nick: You've found my secret napping place!

Harry: Ghosts take naps?

Gargoyle: Hi! With jerky and irregular camera movement, I'm showing you that there's a new light bridge. This one moves in a circle. We're such brilliant programmers, we know how to do that!

Harry: IdleSwineProductions managed to accidentally cause me to make a ridiculously long and fast jump at this point. They are awesome at making games fail.

Quirrel: You got the through the whole challenge without dying! I'm so disappointed! But I'll still give you useless House points. Now, it's time to go to Potions!

Harry: I know it's with Snape... but you know, I'm relieved. No more useless challenges, no more dirty tricks. Just mixing some chemicals.

Arbiter: Were it so easy.


	10. The Dark Descent

**#include "stddisclaimer.h"**

_**(Previously on I'm Game For That)**_

Quirrel: Now, it's time to go to Potions!

Harry: I know it's with Snape... but you know, I'm relieved. No more useless challenges, no more dirty tricks. Just mixing some chemicals.

Arbiter: Were it so easy.

_**(And so it continues...)**_

Fred and George's Theme: You only hear the underscore version of me in this level. Still sounds cool.

Voice: I am whispering! Come over here even though you don't know where I am!

Harry: Huh? I'm hearing voices! Am I going insane? *_starts chewing potato chips_*

Portrait: I look a lot like Quirrel, but with a red turban.

Fred: I'm behind the portrait! Funny how there can be a secret flap that's completely invisible when closed, but anyway.

Harry: What do you guys want- oh. Let me guess. You want 25 beans.

George: E-yup. We need the beans for some, _*ahem*..._ experiments.

Fred: Have a Wizard Card, then. Hope you don't have this one yet.

Harry: Of course I don't, there's absolutely no such thing as duplicate cards in this game.

Ron: Yeah, but I got about six of Dumbledore.

Fred: Remember, you don't know anything about us collecting beans.

Harry: That's some suspiciously specific denial. What are you, some kind of sweets-smuggling conspiracy?

George: If we told you, we'd have to kill you.

Harry: K, I'm gonna go now.

Ron: Potions is next –

Harry: Yeah, I know... believe it or not, my memory span exceeds thirty seconds.

Ron: And it looks like we're already late!

Harry: How-da-fuq can I be late when I JUST got out of Quirrel's class?

Ron: Professor Snape expects you to own a time-turner.

Harry: Totally unfair. We're going to lose our useless House points for no reason now.

Doctor Whooves: I can help.

Harry: Nah, I'm good.

Cutscene: Notice which door Ron goes into. THAT one. Go through THAT door when you have control again.

Loading screen: Time for Potions!

Fluttershy: Yay.

Snape: Are you incapable of speaking louder than a feather falling, Miss Shy?

Fluttershy: Yay.

Snape: *_Mouth twitch_* Louder.

Fluttershy: Yay.

Snape: Turn to page three hundred and ninety-four.

Harry: Oh, boy, a bunch of dark flights of stairs. Time to make a Dark Descent!

String instruments: We can be creepy as hell when we play low notes.

Amnesia menu theme: E-yup!

Snape: I am your Potions teacher, Professor Snape. My voice acting pales in comparison to the actual Alan Rickman.

Real Snape: There will be _no_ foolish wand waving, or silly incantations in this class... as such, I don't expect many of you to _appreciate_ the subtle silence and exact art that is potion-making – however... for those... select few... who possess... the predisposition... I can teach you how to _bewitch_ the mind and _ensnare_ the senses. I can tell you how to BOTTLE fame, BREW glory, and even, put a _stopper_... in death.

Snape: Today, you will learn how to mix a Wiggenweld healing potion, which ironically we never actually let you USE until the second game, in which the recipe drops half its ingredients. My introduction sounds like I'm starting the class, so you're not late at all, Mr. Potter. But I still say you are. Five House points from Gryffindor.

IdleSwineProductions: THAT WAS SCRIPTED!

Snape: Now go get the ingredients like the good slave you are. I am much more openly hostile than I am in canon.

Harry: Hmm, right through that tunnel and over that bridge, there's a whatzit floating in the air. It must be Dittany. Which is either an ingredient in the Wiggenweld potion, or the name of a girl who got transformed into a floating blob of blue goo.

Bridge: Don't mind me, I'm as safe as any other.

Harry: No problem. *_Walks over bridge_*

Sharp music cue: STOP! Don't go any further!

Harry: Huh? What?

Bridge: *_collapses and dumps him into a pit where he suffers compound fractures in both legs_*

IdleSwineProductions: What the f- BULLS**T!

Snape: U mad bro?

Harry: You know, if I'd have run across and not stopped, I could've made it to the other side. But anyway, where am I? I wonder if Snape tricked me?

Snape: You don't say!?

Harry: Well, okay, so a block puzzle. What is a block puzzle doing in a dungeon death trap?

TheSilverKetchup: What is this, Tetris? *_Plays Tetris with blocks replaced by HP elements_*

Harry: *_Reaches a floating ingredient_* From what Hermione told me, that must be Moly.

Moly: Holy moly!

Platforms: Hi! Remember us?

Harry: Hi platforms. Yep, I know you guys well.

Platforms: Wait, where's the platforming music?

Music_Green_Cauldron: Nope! Don't you feel lonely trying to platform without me?

Rock platforms: We're made of rock.

Harry: Looks safe enough. *_Jumps on a rock platform_*

Admiral Ackbar: IT'S A TRAP!

Rock platform: Ominous rumbling!

Harry: OH MERLIN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN.

Rock platform: Curses, foiled again.

Aluminum foil: Curses, villained again.

Harry: So, if I don't open those gates in advance, I get pushed off the brick platforms and die. It looks to me like Snape's challenge is actively trying to murder me even more than the other challenges I've been through.

Snape: Eyup.

Harry: You know, all these booby traps give this level a very Indiana-Jones-like feel.

Cylindrical rock from Hagrid's garden: Don't give them any more ideas!

Harry: Oh, no. It's the Bloody Baron, who can make torches stop giving out light when he comes near them!

Bloody Baron: Fear me!

Some Moron: You're probably expecting me to say oh, I was all scareded of him too. Nope, I sucked at gaming early on and gave up before this level, and by the time I actually made it here, I was mature enough to not be scared of it.

Bloody Baron: I'm a _ghost_! An intangible spirit entity! How in the name of Merlin's Xbox do I cause you damage?

Baron Alexander: He took lessons from me.

Harry: Aaaand some gnomes and their silly music. Mood Whiplash!

Gate: I raise and let you through once you've taken them out. Yay for killing animals!

Harry: So, some Wiggentree Bark. Why are all these ingredients hovering over convenient platforms? If this is supposed to be a class, shouldn't we be learning where to actually find these ingredients? Like, getting this from a Wiggen tree?

Snape: Wait until next game when we actually did a few things right.

Harry: Why does tree bark make a squishy noise when you pick it up?

GLaDOS: The next test will require some degree of analytical problem solving. If you cannot figure out the solution to the puzzle on your own, you may wish to consult your parents. Oh, that's right. You don't have any. How sad.

Loading screen: I'm right in the middle of a challenge. Sure! That makes perfect sense!

_*** Half an hour earlier ***_

Perilous platforms: I would love to troll somebody by jumping out of the way when they try to land on me. I wonder if I could get away with that sometime...

_*** Present time ***_

Perilous platforms: HAI!

Harry: OH GOD WHY.

Gargoyle: It's okay, you can trust my bridges made of LIGHT.

Harry: Double iron gates over a seemingly bottomless pit... awfully tight security for worm phlegm, don't you think?

Flobberworm mucus: The squishy sound actually makes sense when you pick ME up.

Harry: Ew.

Switch-triggered platform: I almost look close enough to jump to!

Harry: … I don't trust you. Yeah, a switch, I knew it.

Stairs: You know, stairs going _up_ look very inviting in a dungeon of murder death.

Bloody Baron: Nope, you have to get past me first, circling around the room and not actively trying to attack you.

Harry: You're still annoying and mildly scary.

Bloody Baron: I put out the lights twenty feet ahead of me so you know where I am... I'm not _that_ scary.

Harry: Sure, but you _put out the lights_. You stop burning torches from giving off light. That's just not bloody natural.

Bloody Baron: You know, if I'm a ghost, why do the doors open for me? Why can't I just glide through them?

Harry: Maybe that explains why he can hurt me. He's not really a ghost. HE'S A SPY!

Dittany: Hi! Could you turn me into a human again?

Harry: Hi, Dittany – how you been?

Dittany: Not bad considering I'm stuck on a platform.

Harry: Well, let me help you with that problem.

Dittany: Are there going to be Harry/Dittany shippers now?

Harry: Waaaait... that's the bridge I tried to cross when I got trolled by Snape... is that going to happen again? I'll murder his face off if it does.

Snape: You're scripted to be late again. You have no excuse for taking your time and being careful while getting through a series of death traps. Three more points from Gryffindor.

Harry: I got Challenge Stars though.

Snape: I don't give a shOOP. Now GTFO. It's Halloween, go to the feast.

_(Fridge horror: Suddenly my earlier quote by GLaDOS is even worse, considering it's the tenth anniversary of the death of Harry's parents...)_

GLaDOS: I regret nothing.

Harry: So, Halloween feast next?

Loading screen: Follow Ron and help find Hermione!

Harry: ...what?


	11. Trolling is an Art

**#include "stddisclaimer.h"**

**OH MY GOD. Guess what I just learned.**

**So the music in the HP game series was composed by Jeremy Soule. Knew that. Pretty good music, right? Menu theme, Fred and George's theme, Malfoy boss fight, the platforming theme... nice music and stuff.**

**Y'know what else he composed for? Let me give you a hint. This story will no longer be safe from jokes about leg-joint injuries caused by primitive projectile weapons.**

_**(Previously on I'm Game For That)**_

Harry: So, Halloween feast next?

Loading screen: Follow Ron and help find Hermione!

Harry: ...what?

_**(And so it continues...)**_

Ron: Harry! A huge troll is on the rampage! It's cornered Hermione in Omegle and Yahoo Answers!

Harry: Oh, no! What about Mormon Live Chat?

Ron: It's going to go there next! We must rescue Hermione NOOOOOWWW!

Harry: Okay, let's go!

Ron: Yes! *_Runs into a solid pillar and jogs in place for several seconds_*

Harry: Might want to look at those coordination skills...

Ron: I'm fine. *_Runs into a solid wall and jogs in place for several more seconds_*

Harry: Are you feeling okay?

Ron: I said I'm fine. *_Vanishes into thin air_*

Harry: … You can't Apparate on Hogwarts grounds. Imma go to the bathroom now.

Loading screen: Escape the troll. This does not at all match what Ron just told you.

Ron: Harry, what's that smell?

Harry: … uh, sorry, had beans for lunch.

Ron: No, THAT smell.

Harry: Oh. That is obviously the huge troll, you moron.

Glassbreak: I'm the sound of a single pot being broken.

Troll: *_Smashes through door_* Problem?

Door frame: Funny how I break at nearly perfect right angles...

Troll: My roar sounds like some creature from _Doom_ or something.

Ron: This way, Harry! Your path is certainly not marked by jelly beans at all!

Harry: RUNNING TIME!

Music: I am surprisingly cheerful considering that Harry is actually _running for his life_ at the moment. Shadow Chase or Brute Chase from Amnesia would both fit better in this scene. Or at least the screechy noise.

Harry: Why am I only able to sidestep in certain scripted parts like this? I said it already but you know what, a modern gamer on any platform oughta have the right to complain.

Troll: Come back here! I'll bite your bleedin' head off!

Harry: Ew, that wouldn't taste good. Too much skull and brains.

Troll: I like brains. They taste like marshmallows.

Harry: I like grains. They're healthy and full of fiber.

ASDF kid: I like trains.

Harry: Hi Ron! How'd you get to the end so fast, and why are you so calm?

Ron: I transportalized here. Come on, let's hide right behind the door frame. Since the troll can see us and wherever we move to, he will prove to have transcended to a new level of stupid if he walks right past us.

Troll: I have transcended to a new level of stupid! Also, the camera is not solid, I just swung my club through it. Yay blurry polygons.

Harry: Come to think of it, he swung the club through the doorway and me as well.

Ron: Good, let's GTFO. Hermione no longer matters, even though she's kinda the reason we're here.

Hermione: AAAAAHHHH!

Harry: U mad bro?

_(Harry and Ron make the weirdest gestures when they hear her scream...)_

Door: I open by myself!

Ron: The troll is enormous!

Harry: … what? WE JUST SPENT TWO MINUTES RUNNING FROM IT. Why do you just now notice how big it is?

Troll: I am just standing here like an idiot.

Hermione: Stop looking at me! You're creeping me out!

Troll: Should I pwn you with my club?

Hermione: I AM SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER!

Troll: Where? I don't see a bloody murder.

Ron: Harry, I'll try to charm the troll's club, so it bashes him on the head.

Harry: … Way to ruin an awesome heartwarming scene, dude.

Ron: Wingardium Leviosa!

Troll: I THROW THINGS AT YOU!

Harry: Flipendo! Fliiiiipendo! Flipendoooo!

Ron: Cast your Flipendo spell to keep that junk from hitting us!

Harry: I KNOW!

Junk: We are the slowest-moving thrown objects ever. Of all time.

Troll: Don't blame me, I'm out of shape and we're in a low-gravity environment.

Harry: This part sucks... it's like a rail shooter scene only worse.

Ron: Okay, I'm done.

Troll: OW IN THE HEAD.

LibreOffice Auto-Complete: Headmaster?

Some Moron: NO.

Ron: Hermione! I'm a slightly better voice actor than you!

Hermione: Thanks for saving me and stuff. I don't really care that much. Also, did it died?

Ron: No, we need to remind our impressionable young players that IT IS UNCONSCIOUS AND NOT DEAD.

Impressionable young players: Yeah, fine. *_Go back to peppering grotesque aliens with assault rifle fire_*

Hermione: Come on, let's get out of here. No need for a heartwarming friend-making scene here because I'm already BFFs with you guys, completely against all canon.

Loading screen: Quidditch match!

Narrator: Nope, first a useless Common Room scene. Bit annoying how you spend time waiting for a loading screen only to wait for an unskippable narration bit, only to (usually, not this time) wait for _another_ loading screen afterwards, only to wait for another unskippable cutscene introducing Quidditch...

Sonic 2006: LOL it's hilarious, right?

Narrator: Also, I am apparently somewhere IN the common room, because my voice pans across the speakers when the camera moves around the room.

Lee Jordan: Welcome to Quiddiiiiitch! I'm your commentator, Lee Jordan.

Cutscene: Nope, I'm not over – psyched you out, didn't I?

Lee: It's Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw. IS THAT THE SNITCH?

Harry: I wonder if the programmers meant for the snitch to wait a while before showing up and have him announce when it does, but then they forgot the delay or broke it...

Lee: Here comes the Ravenclaw seeker! Look at Potter go – he's after the Snitch!

Harry: I am not the Ravenclaw seeker.

Ravenclaw seeker: What, don't I get any recognition?

Harry: Nope, because you're not the awesome celebrity. I'm Harry Freakin' Potter.

Ravenclaw seeker: I used to be a celebrity like you. Then I took a curse in the knee.

Lee: Come on, Potter, don't give up now!

Harry: I'm not giving up, I just lost sight of the MacGuffin for a second!

Some Moron: In the game's defense, Halo 1 does the same thing... your Marine allies complain about your decision to flee from the enemy even if you aren't fleeing. Whatever.

Lee: Potter's seen the Snitch! Come on, Harry! Uhh, – y! Sorry, m- Potter! … YEAHHH! A perfect catch! Potter brings it home for Gryffindorko!

Harry: I love sound glitches.

Narrator: If you haven't figured it out, Gryffindor won against Ravenclaw because of Harry, conclusive proof that nobody matters in Quidditch except the Seeker. Anyhooz, the Golden Trio of Bad Animation went to Hagrid's hut after that, to try and convince him to get rid of the fire-breathing dragon he was housing in a wooden building. He agreed and stuff. The details aren't important, and our cinematic skills wouldn't be adequate anyway.

Hagrid: It sucks, not that you can tell.

Narrator: Harry unwrapped the unexpected Christmas present.

Harry: Darn right it was unexpected, I didn't even know it was Christmas.

Narrator: Something fluid and silvery slithered out.

Harry: AAAHH! MERCURY! I'm allergic to mercury! It's my only weakness!

Narrator: "It's an invisibility cloak," said Ron. "They're very rare." And I just made it completely obvious that I'm reading this out of a storybook. IT DOES NOT FIT THE CONTEXT OF A REAL-TIME VIDEO GAME.

Ron: It's an invisibility cloak. They're very rare.

Harry: You don't sound surprised or amazed at all.

Ron: Nope, it just means a stealth mission is coming up!

Harry: So there's a note with it.

Note: Your father left this in my possession. I don't mention he died, because kids must never be allowed to hear such a terrible word.

Harry: K. *_Tries on cloak, and it makes a swooshy noise... I bet it's a stock sound effect that gets used for a menu transition in some other game_*

Narrator: Harry tried on the cloak, while Ron and Hermione helped him prepare for the climb up the tower.

Harry: What are you preparing? You're always preparing! Just go!

Hermione: Also, what tower? I didn't hear anything about a tower.

Harry: Maybe it's a computer tower, the one being used to write this.

Some Moron: No, I'm not working on a tower, it's a horizontal desktop model. On a chair. Under the desk. So it's a deskbottom model.

Narrator: GO UP THE DANG TOWER. I DON'T HAVE TIME TO EXPLAIN.

Hermione: Obvious mission briefing! Firing your weapon negates your active camouflage.

Loading Screen: Stealth mission! Take the dragon to the top of the tower. Avoid Filch; he'll one-hit KO you.

Harry: Ahh, fine. This'll be a piece of cake!


	12. Healthy, Stealthy, and Wise

**#include "stddisclaimer.h"**

**You get an extra feature this week! The library level is split in two parts, and each part is too short for a full chapter, and the two parts put together are a bit long... so you get a chapter that's a bit long. Don't think this one is as funny as the last one, but hope you enjoy.**

_**(Previously on I'm Game For That)**_

Loading Screen: Stealth mission! Take the dragon to the top of the tower. Avoid Filch; he'll one-hit KO you.

Harry: Ahh, fine. This'll be a piece of cake!

_**(And so it continues...)**_

Harry: *_Bursts through library door_* HI FILCH!

Filch: Eh? Whassat, egh?

Harry: I am semitransparent. You cannot see me at all.

Filch: Nope, I'm gonna go back to being creepy now.

Some Moron: Getting in the mood for this scene by listening to Amnesia's "Brute Patrol" theme. It works perfectly. Look up "Amnesia Danger Brute" on YouTube, it really fits the scene. "Danger – Grunt" is also appropriate.

Harry: It's a similar experience actually... wandering around a maze trying not to be seen by something that can kill you in one hit, so to speak. Ahh, a shelf. I'm gonna climb onto you now.

Shelf: If you know what I mean.

Filch: INTRUDER! THIS IS BAD! EVERYONE MUST KNOW – pfff, I can't reach you wherever you went, so I'm just gonna forget you now.

Harry: Funny how it doesn't matter if Filch sees me or not as long as he can't reach me. Also nice that he can't climb! Oh, door. _*whispers*_ Alohomora.

Filch: I should be creeped out by a door opening by itself. I mean, I'm patrolling a darkened library and there might be something here I can't see, that may or may not be able to kill me. People get into situations like this in horror movies!

Harry: Now I'll just wait for him to leave that doorway and I can get down from this bookcase and get past him...

Ezio Auditore da Firenze: No, you gotta jump off and assassinate him!

Filch: Well, I'm not freaking out, so I'll make _you_ do it by cackling evilly! Heehee, har har, mwahaha.

Harry: And this is the guy entrusted with protecting the school at night? Anyway, I'm gonna jump now. *_Jumps off bookcase_* WAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Filch: I didn't even hear that scream.

Harry: I didn't even have to scream that. Door time!

Door: Creeeeak. I'm closed now – sure hope you weren't planning to escape.

Filch: Hmmmm... I'm gonna head 'em off at the pass. *_Goes through a secret bookcase that opens inwards, revealing that the books, which appear to be painted onto the wall because of the poor graphics, ARE ACTUALLY PAINTED onto a thin, flat wall..._*

Harry: Well, that wasn't so bad.

Filch: It Gets Worse.

Harry: So, I gotta get onto more bookcases so I'm not noticed... there's a platform I can use. HUHP! HUH-OOF!

Filch: Whatevers, I'm oblivious.

Harry: Aaaand a spell switch. Flipendo.

Filch: Pyeah! Heeheaaah!

Harry: … I don't even understand you now.

Filch: I'll catch you! And when I do, you'll regret it!

Harry: Too stupid to think of a threat on your own, huh? Also, another switch. Flipendo.

Door: I'm totally open now!

Filch: What's going on... Who is that!? Someone's got past me... *_Goes back to walking slowly around_*

Real Filch: Who's there!? I know you're in there! You can't hide!

Filch: Nope, no good scriptwriting or voice acting for me!

Some Moron: I don't even know what to say, his lines are so bad they're funny as it is.

Real Filch: WHO IS IT? Show yourself!

Filch: Pyeah! Heeheaaah!

Harry: This guy is so clueless about where I am, I'd swear he's deaf. *_Jumps off bookcase and advances to next room_*

Filch: Another secret door painted to look like a bookcase! I wonder if it fools anybody.

Harry: Flipendo!

Filch: Hearing a bookcase actually fall over should make me extremely suspicious and cause me to keep a close watch on that area, but no. Eh? Whassat, egh? Come ouuuut. Come ouuut, wherever you are!

Harry: ...now you just sound like a creepy pedophile stalker.

Filch: Of course I don't stalk creepy pedophiles!

Harry: Not what I was trying to say. Also, more platforming. I feel superior because you can't get me. Amnesia needs a level like this.

Filch: Don't I have better things to do than just walk in circles in one room?

Harry: Alohomora.

Some Moron: I got caught at least twice when I finally made it to this part of the game, because I didn't realize that as soon as you cast the spell, Filch immediately dashes to the door you opened. But honestly, that's how a game is supposed to be, right? A challenge, with certain parts you must play more than once to fully understand how they work?

Game developers: No, it must be extremely easy so that idiots can play it. This level is just the black sheep.

Sheep: That's racist.

Filch: Intruder! Intruder! In the forbidden corridor!

Harry: … This is NOT the forbidden corridor. This is the library, and not even the restricted section at that.

Filch: Stop trying to find logic! There is none!

Harry: Flipendo.

Cutscene: A door opened on the upper level.

Harry: Now, how do I get up there?

Cutscene: Uh, dude? YOU JUST GOT UP THERE. CLIMB THE FALLEN BOOKCASE, YOU NUMBSKULL. You are a victim of Cutscene Stupidity.

Harry: So, more switch flipping and bookcase climbing, nothing to see here.

Filch: My noises – not even cackling, just freaking _noises_ – are incredibly disturbing. I should be reported to the authorities.

Harry: The backtracking in this level just never ends... it does happen in other maps, but this one in particular is just full of unnecessary padding.

Bottomless pit: Don't you find it odd that I exist in a _library_?

Harry: Yeah, it seems like a hazard like that is out of place here.

Hogwarts Castle: Shut up, I'm doing my best to kill you.

Harry: K, I'm gonna flip another switch.

Filch: Do you think I'm blind? _I'm not letting anyone into that tower tonight._

Harry: ...Whoa, did you actually do decent voice acting in that last sentence?

Filch: Pyeah! Heeheaaah!

Harry: Although the line itself makes little sense... why just that tower? Why just tonight? If there's one tower we can't go right now, why didn't I just go to a different tower?

Peeves: *_Jumps out of clay pot_* WEHEEEEEE!

Filch: Peeves... you'll be banished for this!

Peeves: Nope, I still show up in later games!

Harry: That could come in handy if I have to distract Filch along the way. And I'm stupid because I said that out loud when I'm trying to be invisible … And apparently that line was a subtle hint that I have to break another pot NOW.

Filch: Pyeah! Heeheaaah!

Harry: Runningrunningrunning yessss got to the doorway.

Some Moron: Filch got me _just_ as I reached the door when I got to this part. I rage-quit.

Narrator: Ron's brother, Charlie, had arranged to collect Spike the dragon from the tower and return him to Equestria.

Loading screen: Now you have to go DOWN the tower! And take a completely different route for some reason!

*_Door opens up and a very polygonal cat walks out_*

Filch: Mrs. Norris... I could've sworn I heard footsteps in here, but... bah.

Mrs. Norris: Really, you're blowing the whole thing off even though it's obvious to any idiot that someone is getting through here?

Filch: Yeah, I just patrol around and cackle because I feel like it. Let's check the library, my sweet.

Mrs. Norris: We're IN the library, chowderhead.

Sparkles: We're still sparkling to represent a magical lock... even though the lock is on the door that opened and no longer in this spot.

Harry: Gonna go through the door now. Alohomora.

Door: Squeeeeak.

Harry: Wow, Filch really hauled it once he got through this door, I don't even see him...

Filch: Aha! I've heard you for sure this time!

Mrs. Norris: Oblivious caretaker is oblivious.

Filch: Keep watch from above and be ready to assassinate him.

Mrs. Norris: Feed me.

Filch: I did.

Mrs. Norris: Feed me more.

Filch: Look, if you catch the intruder, you can eat him, k?

Mrs. Norris: Fine. *_Levitates onto a ledge_*

Filch: You'll not get past me now, you rotten little guttersnipes!

Harry: … wut.

Mrs. Norris: I am no smarter than Filch.

Some Moron: What happens if the cat catches you, anyway? I never knew.

Harry: Parkour time!

Nearly Headless Nick: Hello again, Harry.

Harry: WTF? Are you insane? You're blowing my cover and revealing who I am to Filch!

Nick: Yup! I'm a double agent now! I'm making small talk and chatting about every random thing you did this year. I kinda hint that you should move this way, but yeah. I totally just gave your position away.

Harry: Thanks.

Nick: No prob. Now just walk through this metal gate. Oh, right. You can't. Ha, ha. U mad bro?

Harry: Argh. Well, more parkour.

Cutscene: THIS IS A MIRROR. You opened the door and there's A MIRROR in the room.

Mirror: I AM A MIRROR.

Music: I AM BEAUTIFUL AND DRAMATIC!

Harry: Wow...

Cutscene: … But you have to walk up to it yourself.

Narrator: Reflected in the Mirror of Erised -

Harry: What? Nobody was ever told what it was called until later...

Narrator: Shut up. Reflected were Harry's parents, James and Lily Potter. Harry stared hungrily back, as through hoping to fall right through the glass and reach the snacks they had. He was startled when a voice sounded behind him.

Dumbledore: Pyeah! Heeheaaah!

Narrator: No, he said some stuff about how Harry had discovered the Mirror of Desire-Spelled-Backwards. It makes no sense that I'm reading this like a book, since this is a cutscene and there's no reason why Dumbledore couldn't be saying this stuff himself.

Dumbledore: Sure there is, I can't talk so good. Remember when I had that heart attack at the beginning of the school year?

Narrator: I think I'm just trying to get more lines now, I'm stealing more people's lines than Hermione in Film 3. Anyhooz, the Mirror would give neither knowledge nor truth.

Harry: Actually, suppose somebody looked into it who wasn't sure what they wanted most? Would it give them a firm idea of it? In which case, yes, it would give a tiny bit of knowledge, just nothing that useful.

Dumbledore: We're moving the mirror to a new location.

Princess Celestia: We're putting it on the MOON!

Dumbledore: If you ever come across it again, you will be prepared.

Narrator: 'But prepared for what?' thought Harry. I guess he meant prepared for what the mirror is, and prepared to pull himself away from it, but it kinda sounds like Dumbledore is scheming. And conniving. And scheniving.

Filch: Thought you were done with the level, huh? Nope! I locked the doors and I'm gonna GTFO.

Harry: Good thing I can unlock them.

Portrait: I look very suspicious alongside a wall that doesn't shade like the other walls.

Harry: Alohomora?

Portrait: Nope.

Filch: I sound like I'm scheming with Mrs. Norris, but actually it's a mildly clever attempt to mask an otherwise obvious level tutorial. That gate makes an awful racket when opened, but I guess that doesn't matter much anyway since I'm deaf!

Door: I am closing.

Filch: INTRUDER! Pyeah! Heeheaaah!

Harry: Okay, so some Companion Cubes. Wingardium Leviosa.

Filch: I'M GONNA CATCH Y- pff, whatever.

Harry: You know, that's not even a "gate" that opens... it's two giant lead weights over a door.

Weights: We will give you lead poisoning!

Harry: Now how do I get past that door...

Peeves: WHEEEEE! *_smashes door_*

Filch: Peeves... you'll be banished for this.

Harry: … thanks!

Peeves: No problem, this is the game where the bosses you fight might come back to help you!

Filch: I don't care anymore. Go away.

Fred and George: *_Arrive through doorway_* We're acting suspicious.

Fred: I mess with the wall by the doorway as if there's an invisible control panel here.

George: I sure hope nobody _sees_ us go down this _secret passageway_ or anything.

Harry: … They're leading me there, aren't they? How do they know where I am?

Nick: Wasn't me!

Mrs. Norris: Wasn't me!

Pinkie Pie: I told 'em! I always know where you are!

Harry: That's just scary and paranoia-inducing. Imma get on your secret platform elevator now. Hope you don't mind.

Malfoy Battle Music: Why on _earth_ do I play during this scene!?

Fred and George: And now we make a dark descent!

Harry: Time to get un-invisible now.

Fred: Hey, Harry! We're not shocked to see you at all. Do you have 25 beans for us?

Harry: Really, all this elaborate planning and secret passages just to get more beans?

George: Yep, we're part of a secret conspiracy to use beans for some, *_ahem_*... experiments.

Gnome: HAI! This is my theme song, so I wanted to show up to enjoy it!

Fred: There, that's all the beans we need. So about 100. Have another wizard card.

George: Remember, this never happened. If anyone asks, don't tell them, and kill them.

Harry: … There is an invisible wall stopping from going the way they go. Just when you thought the map design couldn't get any cheaper.

Elevator: Yes, you have to make a dark ascent now.

Loading screen: The Forbidden Corridor. Stop Snape from stealing the Sorcerer's Stone.

Harry: … what!? What are you talking about? What is this Stone, how do I know Snape is trying to steal it, and why are we going to the Forbidden Corridor?

Story arc: WE TELL YOU NOTHING IN THIS GAME!


	13. Through the Portal At Last

**#include "stddisclaimer.h"**

_**(Previously on I'm Game For That)**_

Loading screen: The Forbidden Corridor. Stop Snape from stealing the Sorcerer's Stone.

Harry: … what!? What are you talking about? What is this Stone, how do I know Snape is trying to steal it, and why are we going to the Forbidden Corridor?

Story arc: WE TELL YOU NOTHING IN THIS GAME!

_**(And so it continues...)**_

Ron: Hi, Harry. I'm directly confronting you in the library!

Harry: Yes, funny that we're in the library and yet we aren't being creeped by a cackling caretaker.

Narrator: Hermione, Ron, and Harry, for some reason I list them in the reverse of the usual order, researched the secret of the Sorcerer's Stone, the Title of the Video Game. Good thing, too, because there was never any other indication that the title would ever come into play.

Harry and Ron: We are not actually researching, remember, we're just standing on both sides of a library aisle and gesturing to each other.

Narrator: The Sorcerer's Stone could produce the Elixir of Life, a potion that would make anyone read My Immortal. And live forever and stuff.

Harry: No wonder someone's trying to get it! Anyone would want it! Anyone would want to live forever in a world full of drugs, disease, despair, and Stephanie Meyer!

Ron: … Sarcasm, right?

Harry: Yeah, when I die I wanna go to Ponyville.

Ron: IKR.

Narrator: Hermione, evidently the only character capable of coherent thought, figured out that the package that Hagrid took from Gringotts, which I told you about in a low voice to go with the small text, was in fact the Sorcerer's Stone. She also figured out that the monster, which they non-canonically haven't seen yet, was guarding it on the third floor.

Hermione: Snape's been acting suspicious, so with no clear storyline evidence, I accuse him of wanting to steal the Stone!

Ron: But there's no way Snape would try anything while Dumbledore's around. I'm answering Hermione, but I'm looking at Harry. We're not acting – we're telling him the story!

Hermione: But Dumbledore left ten minutes ago for the Ministry of Magic in London!

Harry: Again, you're talking directly to me, not replying to Ron. And how do you know this? Did you hack Dumbledore's GPS?

Ron: That must mean that tonight's the night!

Hermione: Yes! THE PROPHECY OF SNAPE SHALL BE FULFILLED!

Portrait of the Fat Lady: I don't care that you're sneaking out at night. In fact, I am inanimate.

Hermione: Filch will probably be out, though, so this may turn into a stealth mission.

Ron: We'll just have to take our chances, then.

Harry: Pyeah! Heeheaaah!

*_They teleport directly to the third floor_*

Hermione: Phew, looks like Filch is somewhere else tonight.

Harry: Funny that they even put those lines in the script. They love unnecessary padding, so why didn't they just put in another sneaking bit to further annoy players?

Hermione: I cast a wandless opening spell on the gate! WHAT IS THIS MAGIC?

Ron: So, looks like a deep, dark corridor, huh? NOPE! We turn suddenly into a brightly lit hallway! You thought it was a scary tunnel, but you were actually looking at a solid, unlit wall!

Harry: I am utterly humiliated.

Hermione: Come on, let's go! *_Runs off with Ron_*

Harry: Uh... should I just let you guys be alone together? 'Cause that's what you seem to want.

Two-dimensional spiderweb: I AM OMINOUS!

Creepy music: I AM OMINOUS!

Save-game book: I AM OMINOUS!

Fluttershy: I'm, umm, ominous... if that's okay with you.

Ron: This way, Harry! I think I used the same voice clip as in the troll scene! And when I first led you to Fred and George!

Harry: And I still don't need the help!

Growling: I AM OMINOUS!

Hermione: *_Gestures towards huge double doors, amid thunderous roars – hey, I rhymed_* I think this is where the growling has been coming from!

Harry and Ron: YOU DON'T SAY!

Ron: Hear that? I don't think we should go in there.

Harry: Dude, speak with some actual emotion...

Hermione: But we've got to stop Snape... *_Harry walks up to the door_* Go on, Harry! Sacrifice yourself to the demons beyond! We're right behind you, until you get eaten, at which time we will start scrambling for the exit!

Door: Opening slooowly...

Dog: My growls sound like they just took Venomous Tentacula lunge sounds and slowed them down.

Harry, very calmly: Only Hagrid would name this monster Fluffy. I'm gonna try to play it a song, maybe that'll put it to sleep for a while.

Hermione: Do be careful.

Ron: Yawn.

The Trio in the movie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Harry: Funny how well I can perform a Theme Music Drop on this flute, considering I have never taken music lessons.

Dog: I will randomly lash out and bite you. That's normal, right? Everybody develops massive energy spasms as they are being lulled to sleep.

Harry: Cool, now sit down and shut up.

Trapdoor: Good, now I will open automatically for you.

Ron: Looks dangerous. You go first, Hermione.

Hermione: Screw that.

Ron: Fine. *_Walks over open trapdoor, does not give way to gravity... seriously, you can hear his footsteps during and after that_* It's safe, you can jump.

Hermione: Whatever. *_Falls into hole_* AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Ron: *_Troll face_* U mad bro?

Harry: I'm gonna jump now.

Loading Screen: Devil's Snare. Stop Snape from stealing the Sorcerer's Stone!

Harry: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA NEW FALL SCREAMMMM!

Hermione: *_Encased in a blob, textured to look like something even blobbier_* I know what this is! It's the Devil's Snare. Or perhaps the Devil's Attempt at Sucky Animation!

Ron: Next time I'm gonna pay more attention in Herbology.

Hermione: Help! It's the Devil's Snare!

Ron: Try not to get too close to those tentacles!

_(This may be a contender for the stupidest cinematic writing in the game...)_

Harry: I've seen enough hentai to know-

Ron and Hermione: SHUT UP AND START CASTING SPELLS!

Devil's Snare: Funny thing is, I don't even care about Harry, I just let him stand up. After all, somebody's gotta be in control of the kinematic character controller.

Harry: Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio!

Devil's Snare: *_Holding Ron and Hermione like dolls_* Now kiss!

Harry: Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Derpy is best pony! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio! Incendio!

Ron and Hermione: SHUT UP AND START TELLING TENTACLE JOKES!

Devil's Snare: Yeah, I'm sick of this. I'm gonna let you guys go, and retract back inside... myself? Not sure how that works exactly.

Ron: Good thing you knew the spell for starting a pale blue fire.

Hermione: Too bad you didn't think TO CAST LUMOS. Since, you know, Devil's Snare hates light.

Harry: I thought of it, but then I remembered that Lumos just makes light bridges, which wouldn't help.

Hermione: Whatever. This way, Harry. We even tell you which way to go in cutscenes, when the player isn't even in control and you walk to that destination by yourself. That's how much faith we have in the player's mental capacity.

Loading Screen: Winged keys! Screw stopping Snape, catch a winged key! Yes, that short part with the Devil's Snare was _an entire level map_.

Ron: Look, an indoor Quidditch pitch, complete with convenient trails and rings! You have to catch the key, Harry.

Harry: … What? What key? Why? I don't get it!

Ron: We're expecting you to be holding the first book while you're playing this game, and carefully reading along... there's no other explanation for why we throw random storyline-related things at you.

Hermione: It's a good idea, admittedly, in that it makes you pick up a book and read, rather than mindlessly playing a video game... just not a good enough idea to seriously consider as a gameplay mechanic!

Twilight Sparkle: Why not just stick with the book?

Rainbow Dash: Because video games are AWESOME!

Harry: At least I have the consolation of knowing I will never have to play Quidditch again... at least, for this game.

Ron: Good job, Harry. So you know how in the book and movie, the path to the Stone featured different various complications that gave each of us a chance to shine with our talents? Well, here you'll have to shine with your own talents for every single one, because you're the only student who learns or practices anything, and we're all morons.

Harry: It's nice to know my two best friends are so useful!

Loading Screen: A chess game! Boy, I sure hope you are an intelligent enough player to know how to beat a - what's that, all players are idiots? Okay! You're screwed now!


	14. My Most Precious Chamber, Daniel!

**#include "stddisclaimer.h"**

_**(Previously on I'm Game For That)**_

Loading Screen: A chess game! Boy, I sure hope you are an intelligent enough player to know how to beat a - what's that, all players are idiots? Okay! You're screwed now!

_**(And so it continues...)**_

Hermione: The next puzzle is a gigantic chess board. Just telling you that straight-up so you have no dramatic surprises or anything!

Harry: Thanks, I'd hate to be in a game with good cinematics!

Hermione: You were only about five seconds behind Ron, but I guess he has a super-boost because he's already playing the chess game and you just got here.

Harry: And you met me here coming the other way, so you must have a super-boost too.

Hermione: Yeah, I love cheat codes.

Harry: Well, I'm gonna go see if he's beaten it yet.

*_They both run to the giant backgammon board_*

Hermione: Oh, Ron, are you all right?

Ron: I don't know. If my entrails are on the other side of the board, does that qualify as "all right"?

Harry: Pfff, yeah, it's just a scratch.

Ron: I've defeated most of the pieces, but I've been hurt. Not heroically or anything, I kinda got a paper cut.

Hermione: So you're off the board, and I'm off the board, and Harry was never on the board. Does that not mean we lost the game?

The Game: You just lost it.

Ron: It's up to you now, Harry. Sure hope you're capable of playing chess, considering we never gave you a spell challenge about it! Uhhhhhgh.

Hermione: Harry, you have to be careful and avoid the pieces, because that's exactly how chess is played!

Harry: Okay, so how do I play?

Hermione: They all move one square at a time.

Real Ron: THAT IS NOT HOW CHESS WORKS AT ALL. That is how checkers works.

Harry: Checkers work*.

Hermione: Well, no, "checkers" is a singular noun representing the game –

The Game: You just lost it.

Hermione: - so the correct verb is in fact the singular "works."

Harry: Grammar Nazi.

Hermione: THE POINT IS, make the pieces fight each other and then you can get across.

Harry: K. *_Walks onto the board_*

Pawn: IMMA GET YOU!

Rook: LOL nope. I'm gonna perform a completely illegal move and capture you diagonally!

Pawn: OH NO YOU'RE NOT!

Rook: Leeeeeeet's battle! Bulbasaur, I choose you!

*_Rook and Pawn fight and both die. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?_*

Game developers: Ignore the rules that are a mess! We're just taking a guess, as we're too stupid to play chess!

Zecora: You're not bad at rhyming though.

Harry: So, more boring crap as the pieces commit murder-suicide against all known rules of chess.

Hermione: Come on, let's go!

Loading Screen: The final encounter! Stop Quirrel from getting the Sorcerer's Stone.

Harry: What!?

Loading Screen: Stop Quirrel from getting the Sorcerer's Stone.

Harry: … Has there been a plot twist I wasn't aware of?

Programmers: Well... this is the level where Quirrel is revealed as the bad guy, so we figured-

Harry: No.

Music: I am intense and dramatic! Jogging down this winding path in the middle of blackness really makes the adrenaline pump!

Doorway: NONE SHALL PASS!

Hermione: Oh no! The exit is blocked by an ineffective particle effect that more closely resembles smoke than fire!

Fire: IKR, why couldn't they have taken the good fire effects, made them black, and used that?

Hermione: See the potion bottles? Looks like you have to choose the right one. It can't be a logic puzzle like in the book, since clearly you are too stupid to comprehend that...

Harry: Is that why one of them is spouting blue blob particles high in the air?

Hermione: Yes, that's the right bottle. Go cast Flipendo on it to start the puzzle.

Harry: … Wha? Can't I just go pick it up and drink it?

Hermione: No, why would it be that simple? Anyway, be careful, Harry. It could be poison.

Harry: Oh, THAT makes me feel good! I'm so glad I know that the bottle I'm about to drink from could in fact kill me, maybe slowly and painfully, who knows.

Hermione: No, not that bottle, all the other ones, they might be poison.

Harry: That's no better!

Puzzle: I know exactly when to start moving all the potions. Also, funny how they all suddenly change color so they're all blue! I had no idea that potions could canonically do that.

Harry: I'm gonna tryyyyyy THAT one. Yeah, I'm gonna take it! Gonna save the world and have a blast – what have I got to lose? #YOLO #SWAG

Hermione: I can tell from standing all the way back here that you probably messed up! But I could be wrong.

Harry: Nah. *Drinks potion* Ahhh. Now I can get thHURNDKELBLAGH!

Hermione: Harry! Are you all right?

Harry: Fine, I'm just clearing my throGAAACK. *Falls to knees* Can't—feel—haunches! Spleen failing! Glutes—glutenizing!

Hermione: You need to watch the bottles more carefully!

Harry: Hermione... before I die, there's something I have to tell you... something I've always wanted to say...

Hermione: What? What is it?

Harry: Hurk-

Hermione: Ahh crap.

Harry: Blargh.

Loading Screen: Stop Quirrel from getting the Sorcerer's Stone.

Harry: … Has there been a plot twist I wasn't aware of?

Programmers: Well... this is the level where Quirrel is revealed as the bad guy, so we figured-

Harry: No.

Music: I am intense and dramatic! Jogging down this winding path in the middle of blackness really makes the adrenaline pump!

Doorway: NONE SHALL PASS!

Hermione: Oh no! The exit is blocked by an ineffective particle effect that more closely resembles smoke than fire!

Harry: Deja vu.

Hermione: You have to complete a crappy... um... Some Moron can't think of what kind of game/puzzle this actually is right now, but his grandma used to play a variant of it on the computer...

Harry: Slide puzzle?

Hermione: No, you're an idiot. Go do the puzzle.

Harry: K.

*_Much later_*

Hermione: Well done, Harry. You picked the right one. I can tell that from standing all the way back here!

Harry: Yeah, no kidding. I didn't even cast a spell on the freakin bottle, I just went over it and picked it up. It worked so much better!

Hermione: Okay then. Go drink it and stuff.

Harry: Glug, glug, glut.

Hermione: Glut?

Harry: OpenGL Utility Toolkit.

Hermione: I don't caaaaaare. I'll go help Ron tend to his paper cut. You'll have to find Snape on your own... good luck defending yourself against a grown wizard.

Loading screen: Uh, that was Quirrel. You stop Quirrel from getting the stone.

Harry: STOP SPOILING THE ENDING!

Loading screen: Season 3 starts with a double feature about defending the crystal empire.

Harry: SHUT UP!

Hermione: Good luck, Harry. Your drinking of the potion made the fire at the entrance go away, so I can escape. Yay for me!

Harry: Aaaaand more steps and another winding pathway – whoa.

Quirrel: Hai. I'm just waiting outside here so you'll see me.

Harry: I had no idea you would be here.

Quirrel: IKR. Now I'm going to go back into this room – remember this room, you will need to go here next! - and continue scheming to get the Stone.

Harry: This may be the longest jump I make in the game.

Quirrel: I wondered if I'd be meeting you here, Potter. I don't sound evil or anything here, I honestly wondered.

Harry: Yeah, I'm about as surprised to see you.

Quirrel: I suppose you're expecting someone else.

Harry: Well, I was bracing myself for a scene with a floating naked blue guy and some energy pillars I have to knock down, so I guess I'm pleasantly surprised it's only you.

Quirrel: Yeah, it's only me – scared, stuttering Professor Quirrel. My voice acting sucks... I should be menacing, then do a mock version of my old voice.

Harry: Indeed.

Quirrel: You're far too inquisitive to remain among the living.

Harry: … Okay, (a) I'm not being inquisitive, in fact I haven't asked you a single question yet. For all you know, I could be just down here visiting to see if I can find all the wizard cards. And (b) are you serious, "remain among the living"? Trying to make the game lighter and softer for kids? Well, SHUT UP. The kids who play this game will the same ones who watched the movie...

Voldemort in the first movie: KILL HIM!

Quirrel in the movie: *_Literally flies across the room, pinning Harry to the steps and trying to literally strangle him_*

Quirrel: Well, it's a game, you see, and video games containing anything related to violence cause people to become violent!

Harry: You are so full of water buffalo dung.

Quirrel: SILENCE! I will spread all the propaganda I want! AVADA KEDAVRA!

*_Is that not what he silently casts? Because he shoots a distinctly green light at Harry, and to my knowledge only one spell produces a green light._*

Harry: Ow! That hurted!

Quirrel: Now for lots of boring crap where I shoot curses and Flipendos at you and you try to move blocks! All this when I could just come down and kill you.

Harry: You suck so much.

Quirrel: And now I patiently wait for you to climb up to me...

Harry: Okay, you are a thoughtful guy, I'll give you that. You want me to follow you now?

Quirrel: Uhh... nope, short cinematic. Curses, Potter! You will not succeed again. Now be a good kid and follow me into this room with the giant mirror.

Harry: Fine... now where on earth did he go?

Quirrel: I now possess the knowledge of Offscreen Teleportation.

Pinkie Pie: He learned from the best!

Mirror Harry: I just collected a Sorcerer's MacGuffin just like a wizard card! I must've traded it for 25 beans!

Mirror Fred: We need the beans for some, _*ahem*..._ experiments.

Harry: Wow.

Vlodemort: He hath the Stone! I hath a good acting voice! And telekinesis!

Quirrel: Gimme the stone. I sound kinda pathetic in comparison.

Volsemort: Let me sssspeak to him... faccccce to faccccce!

Harry: Dude, you some kinda snake or something?

Volfemort: That'sssss a niccce sssssstone you've got there. Sssssshame if ssssssomething were to happen to it.

Quirrel: Would it really have taken that much effort to put a bit more character into my voice? I'm totally going to twist my head around now.

Voldemare: Don't do that, you idiot! You're sssssstill a human, you'll break your neck!

Harry: I'm gonna run away now.

Voldemont: Die, Potterrrrrr!

Harry: Well, at least he's concise and to the point. *_Dodges flying flames_*

Volcemort: You will never escape, now that there are two-dimensional fires rotating around the room!

Harry: *_Matter-of-factly_* Maybe I can cast Flipendo on the wobbly pillars.

Quirrel: But... that's the spell I taught you... you traitor!

Harry: Flipendo! Fliiiiipendo!

Voldmort: Thissssss is your lassssst warning!

Harry: … what? You just flat-out told me you were going to kill me, and you've been shooting the Killing Curse at me... those were just warnings? Boy, it must be _really_ bad when you actually mean it.

Voldemont: When I really mean it, I ssssssshoot heat-seeking cursssssses at you!

Harry: No fair, why does an infamously evil wizard with a huge following and seemingly endless power get a guided rocket launcher, while I don't?

Voldemotr: Aaaagh! I've been hit by my own cursssses reflected in the mirror! Why can cursssses reflect off mirrors? This makes no ssssenssssse!

Harry: And the rest of the game does make sense?

Vokdemort: Good point. AAAAGH! FIRE IS SHOOTING OUT OF MY WAIST!

Harry: Dude, you make for a frickin' epic fireworks display. AAAAGH I have to pass out for no reason!

Dumblydore: Hi. I'm capable of Offscreen Teleportation, too!

Loading screen: Miss me? You usually see me after a dissolve cut, but I retired now. I'm collecting Social Security and everything, pretty awesome.

Narrator: Dumbledore smiled. We have to say this in a storybook sequence because, you know, nobody's actually capable of facial emotion in this game. So yeah, he quoted the book, and then told Harry that they sic'd a Spartan Laser on the Stone. He knew that some people, when allowed to live forever, would spend their eternity on Earth re-taking high school over and over again instead of using their power for the good of the world, so they couldn't take such a chance.

Dumbledore: But yeah, if we slow him down enough, maybe he won't come back at all.

Harry: Edward Cullen, you mean?

Dumbledore: No, Voldemort.

Narrator: "So the Stone's gone?" said Ron, finally.

Ron: … Howdafuq did I get here?

Harry: I don't even know.

Ron: So yeah, here's a wizard card. It's Harry Freakin' Potter!

Harry: Wow! I'll bet this never would've existed had I not done the extensive work of finding every single wizard card in the game. Forget saving Hogwarts, I got 100% completion!

Dumbledore: Now go to the feast – I have to break the collective heart of Slytherin House!

Narrator: Harry went to the feast and got lots of funny looks for some reason, and then Dumbledore told everybody about how House points work, even though everyone should already know.

Dumbledore: Slytherin is scripted to be in the lead right now, but I'm gonna give Harry an extra sixty points because I feel like it. Forget Ron and Hermione and Neville... pffff, they're not the ones who were doing all the work in this game! At least we give Harry some recognition for his efforts.

Ron: I appear to be hugging Harry in a weird way in this picture.

Narrator: It was the best evening of Harry's life, and evidently this would be the moment he thought about when casting the Patronus Charm over and over and over again in the third game.

The Game: You just won it.

Loading Screen: The end. Why do we even need a loading screen if it's the end?

Snape: BECAUSE I STAR IN THE LEGENDARY ENDING. Hah. I am lurking menacingly.

Gnome music: Hai!

Snape: I hate cheerful music.

Fred and George: We don't!

Snape: Ahh, the potions room. My most precious chamber, Daniel. And it lies well beyond the Refinery. In fact... it lies between the very _stone_ of _Hogwarts_!

Gnome music: I fade out now.

Some Moron: Good, I honestly don't care for GNOME 3 anyway. I like KDE better.

Snape: Now I'll just kick off my shoes and play some Call of Duty... whaaa?

Bean: Hi.

Snape: Dafuq?

Cupboards: BOOM! Beans beans everywhere!

Snape: Mmff! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Massive poorly-animated pile of beans: *_Spreads throughout the entire room, engulfing it in sugar_*

Fred: Haha! We might've just killed him from asphyxiation – that's so hilarious!

George: Yes, that's awesome! I think our _*ahem*_ experiment was a success!

Fred: Sure seems like a lot more than 100 beans though, doesn't it?

**FADE OUT!**

**Quick, before you read my final note, go to _ [slash] iClEaJz_A0A_ and listen to that while you read.**

**Well, that's a wrap. Another entire fanfic, completed, at last. I'd like to thank everyone who read and enjoyed this parody, particularly my three most faithful reviewers:**

**iheartmwpp**

**Latios381**

**Dndchk**

**If you liked this fic, I highly recommend checking out iheart's work, as it's based primarily on her parodies of the movie series. If you like the awful fanfiction _My Immortal_, check out the other works on my own page... _Hogwarts Reads My Immortal_ was personally approved by Tara Gilesbie himself.**

**Don't really know what to say about this game as a whole. It's... awesome, but awful. What next? I don't know. I try to use relatively original ideas each time I write a fic, and since a game parody script has now been done... dunno. There's always the second game (which, to be honest, I really liked... it may be my favorite of the game series)... or maybe something completely different. I wouldn't mind writing a MLP fanfic. **

**So, without further ado, the contents of the mythical stddisclaimer.h:**

_**I do not own any of the following things: Harry Potter, Half Life: Full Life Consequences, My Immortal, Portal, Amnesia: The Dark Descent, Halo, Red vs. Blue, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, PewDiePie, Happy Wheels, Nintendo, Pokemon, TV Tropes, GNOME Window System, LibreOffice and its autocorrect, The Ring, Twilight Zone, Terraria, Zero Wing, Monty Python, TheSilverKetchup, H.P. Lovecraft, Minecraft, Indiana Jones, Dr. Who, Twilight (thank goodness), DeliciousCinnamon, Pokemon Vietnamese Crystal, Drag-and-Drop, Rick Astley, Caramelldansen, IdleSwineProductions, Tetris, Star Wars, Omegle, Doom, ASDFMovie, Sonic 2006, A Very Potter Musical, Skyrim, Assassin's Creed, The Three Stooges, or the OpenGL Utility Toolkit.**_

**Thank you all for reading. Have a good night. Or morning. Or afternoon. Or whatever it is in your time zone.**


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